Building a Family Breaks My Heart: TV interview

Author Tanika Dillard discusses Building A Family Breaks My Heart.

http://www.carolinascw.com/story/26715433/building-a-family-breaks-my-heart-author#.VDNQfftaLAt.facebook

Building A Family Breaks My Heart in the spotlight

Building a Family Breaks My Heart was recently featured in the Indie eblast blog. Please check it out!
http://indieeblasts.blogspot.com/2015/01/a-novel-by-tanika-dillard.html?m=1

Building A Family Breaks My Heart Coming August 2014

Tweedy Poole's Publications & Consulting Presents "BUILDING A FAMILY BREAKS MY HEART," by Tanika Chancellor Dillard. Make sure you get your Pre-ordered autographed copy.   Preorder your copy HERE

Be the first to experience the lives of Chris & Tanika's journey through life, loss and love like you've never seen before. Reading this book will cause you to laugh and cry; to be optimistic for the future while being haunted by the past.  Building A Family Breaks My Heart is just not "my" story, it's "our" story. It's for every mother and father who loves a child that they can't touch. It's for everyone who mourned the loss of an anticipated pregnancy and child.  It's for marriages that are not sure how to recover after heartbreak and for those who need hope to counter their despair.

I'm excited to share this book and our children with the world. So many stories go untold and parents silently grieve the child that they've longed for, but this one will change your life!!!

Pre-order your copy today.

Hip Hip Horray, I'm 2 years old today

I cannot believe that I'm writing this already! My precious baby boy is 2 years old as of 5:47 am. Chris and I quietly entered his room and stood over his bed whispering/singing " Happy Birthday".  We had to thank God for blessing us with SUCH a beautiful son who has given us nothing but pleasure.

Happy Birthday Ethan! We love you to the moon & back !

Goodbye age 1, its been fun!

Look out age 2, here I come!

Headstone has arrived

Grayson’s headstone arrived on Friday and will be placed on his grave today.  Its bittersweet….I’m glad that his grave will now be marked  & we have something to honor his short life.   

3 months...

Three months ago today, I met Death (again). I met Pain (again).I held Israel Grayson for the first time. I remember being prepped for the c-section. I remember the deep, hollowness of my cry of despair. I remember watching the clock tick towards 4:00pm, the time of my c-section. I released so many tears that day.  I left like I was going to the execution chamber and in many ways I was.

 My grief is not as raw as it was 3 months ago. However, I am not the same person that I was. ANOTHER piece of me has died and I am forever changed.

 Happy 3 months birthday Israel Grayson.  Love you…miss you…and long to hold you again!

Grayson's footprints

Lock of Grayson's hair

Bracelets

If it be possible….

 

If it be possible….

I don’t want to sound like a whiner or host a pity party but I am reminded of William Shakespeares words, “To thine own self be true”. The truth is… My heart is filled with thanksgiving AND sadness. I have just felt so very emotional since Thursday. Maybe finalizing the grave marker was the trigger.

On Saturday, I purchased a frame for Grayson’s picture. Since December, the photo album has been beside my bed and opened to our favorite black/white picture of him. I added the picture to the frame & showed it to Chris for approval. He loved it and wanted it to stay in our living room, which was fine with me. I placed the frame on the coffee table beside Chris’ recliner and my “spot” on the couch. I’m glad that Chris suggested that we keep it in the living room. We conversed about Grayson and wondered what he was doing in that very moment. I wonder what heaven will be like. Will Grayson be a baby when we meet him in heaven? Will he know that we are his parents and that we love him deeply? Was he immediately united with his sisters? There are just so many questions that we cannot answer now.

On Sunday, Ethan climbed into his Daddy’s recliner, grabbed the picture frame and kept repeating “Bruh, Bruh” and “Bebe”. I just held back the tears and watched. I let my mind escape the reality and just for a moment, thought of life with 2 boys in our home. Ahhh….

I struggled to stay focused at work today. I could feel myself on the brink of an emotional mishap. I kept looking at Ethan’s picture on my desk and reminded myself of the many reasons to be thankful for the blessing that Ethan is to us and to all that know him.


Luke 22:42 New Living Translation (©2007)


"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

Floodgates!

The floodgates have opened WIDE! I have been searching online for the PERFECT headstone for Grayson for some time now. I finally found one but it only came in black marble which cannot be placed at the cemetery. Here is a copy of the Grave marker. I love the image of Jesus with the 4 children. Its the perfect representation of our heavenly family. It looks like Jesus is holding a baby boy and 3 older children ( girls perhaps) are looking on.  That is JUST as I imagine our children.

 I called a local shop to get a quote & the guy asked me to stop by to see his work since he doesn’t have a website. I decided to go on my lunch today. The owner greeted me at the door, shook my hand & invited me in. He was so very kind. We reviewed the catalog & obtained quotes as I held back tears. I told him that I'd review this with Chris and hopefully we'd be ready to order in a few days as I was ready since I've exhausted efforts of finding something online and too much time has passed since December & I want Grayson to have a stone soon. Then he asked, " Was your baby stillborn"? GATES OPENED swiftly.... I explained our story (the short version) and that Grayson is the 4th child that we've lost but the 1st that we've buried, thus the marker had to be perfect. His phone rang & I quickly thanked him and made my way to the car to have a good cry. I'm just sad at the reality of all of this. These should be the happiest days of our life’s but today is not one of those days. We do have so very much to be thankful for but our gratitude & our pain are balanced on the scale.

Chris and I were able to narrow our choices down to two tonight. Hopefully, we'll decide on a final by Sunday and order on Monday. I'm anxious for my boy to have a marker on his grave. The marker will be placed as soon as 30-45 after ordering. The graphics are nice but none of them have 4 children, which is okay. There is one with Jesus holding a boy & looking at him and an older girl stands beside them.

 

My head hurts from crying so much! I just want to turn my mind off and sleep.

 My 13year old nephew, Dezmond amazes me. I have loved him since the day that my sister announced that she was pregnant with him. He is wise beyond his years. He called me tonight just to check on me. He said that he wanted to start calling his family ( me, Chris, his Dad, my Mom, & his brother) everyday “ just to make sure that everybody is okay”……OKAY>>>>he’s ONLY 13! I was in the grocery store and the tears were flowing again. He’s a special young man.  I know that God has given him a heart for people. He is well on his way to being a great man, husband, father, leader, and anything else that he wants to be. He makes me proud but more importantly, I’m sure that he makes God smile!

Good Medicine

Good Medicine

I often say that Ethan is “good medicine” for Chris & I.  He absolutely gives the best hugs!  Seeing his bright smile and budding personality is definitely restorative for us. Sometimes, you just have to see it to believe it!

You CANNOT look at this face and not smile!

Ethan is preaching/singing on his new microphone ( thanks Auntie Sam & Uncle Ron)

Just being my silly boy!  :0)

STAY IN THE MOMENT

STAY IN THE MOMENT

My memory is like an elephant. There are very few things that I forget.  I still remember old phone numbers ( that are no longer in service), dates of events, conversations, etc.  Memorization works well when I am reminding Chris that he forgot to do something that I asked him to do Tuesday at 5:48pm. I am sure the he HATES this talent that I have come to love.

Yesterday was my first Sunday attending church since Grayson’s birth. Needless to say, I had a great deal of anxiety.  I have been out to the mall, grocery stores, etc and had my bouts of anxiety and hoped that I would not see any familiar faces. However, I was returning to a familiar place with familiar people and most of them knew our story.  Chris went back to church for the 1^st time on 1/8 and one of the guys asked him, “ How’s your wife &  the new baby doing”?  He had not heard the news in a month that we were absent from church.   The guy just thought that Chris was at home taking care of his family. He apologized to Chris but clearly, he didn’t know.

I wanted to make sure that I returned to church 1. Because I needed to be there for my own spiritual growth and 2. I didn’t want Chris to be alone if others didn’t know. I thought maybe if Ethan & I returned and people didn’t see us with a newborn, then no one would ask “where ( or How)  is the baby”?

 I gave myself a good “talk” on the drive to church. I reminded myself to “stay in the moment…don’t think about what was…don’t think about what should be right now…just stay in the moment”… and most importantly…”Don’t cry”!  In my mind, I kept saying,” I shouldn’t be going to church, I should be home with a newborn….or the last time I was at church I was carrying Grayson and it was the day of his baby shower”  Now, do you see why I needed to stay in the moment?

We made a quick entry thru side door of the sanctuary and sat further back that normal.  STAY IN THE MOMENT, I reminded myself!!!!  Within a few minutes I had broken rule number 2. I pulled out my Kleenex that I tucked away in Ethan’s bag and quickly wiped the tears from my face as I struggled to stay in the moment. I cried mixed tears…some were of sadness and some were tears to water my thirsty soul.

We hugged and greeted others and I broke rule number 2 again…I wanted so much to just be invisible. We made it thru the service and made an immediate exit. I felt the anxiety again because I’d have to face others. We all headed out the door together and I felt the floodgates opening so I hurried to the car.  Despite the tears, it was a good day!

I'm LEARNING to stay in the moment~

1 month...

One month ago today, I gave birth to a silent baby boy.  It seems like only a few days ago that I held him and kissed his little cheeks.  I still keep his pictures beside my bed and look at him several times throughout the day and night. I have a lock of his jet black hair. It feels like silk.  I wonder what he’s doing in heaven.  Who cares for and nurtures all of the babies?

I was more tearful today than normal as I thought about having a one month old in our home and how different our lives would be.  I grabbed the prayer shawl that Mikaela’s mother brought back from Israel in November. I wrapped myself in the shawl and tried to quiet my soul and feel the peace of God. I picked up the Bible and began to read about Job and his strength during the seemingly worse times of his life. I am going to make an earnest attempt to honor God as much as Job did. 

Happy 1 month birthday Israel Grayson.  You are never far from my thoughts and you are always close to my heart!

RETRACTION!

RETRACTION!

   I have very vivid memories of my childhood and spending many wonderful days with my maternal Grandma ( Alma) She was the mother of TWELEVE…yes, 12 children (7 boys and 5 girls- no multiple births).  She and my Grandfather were married for nearly 50 years before he passed away.  He had been dead for 2 years when I was born. Although we never met, I knew that Grandma loved him even after death had parted them.  She never dated or remarried after his death because they promised each other that they wouldn’t and Grandma never even had a desire to do so. Her life was rich and filled with the love of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great- great grandchildren.

I often said, “ I want to be just like Grandma”!  I just admired her strength and her capacity to love and be loved. EVERYONE loved her. Grandma was the royal thread that held the fabric of our family together.  She was rare jewel, priceless and full of wisdom.  She loved God and His Word and had a prophetic gift that even she could not explain. I have never loved another woman more than Grandma. She was my teacher, my protector, counselor, spiritual example and the list goes ON!

I wanted my life to emulate her light.  In saying that I wanted to be just like her, little did I know that I was also welcoming the pain that she experienced.  Grandma gave birth to 12 children but by the time that I was born, she had buried three sons. My Uncles J. Harold & Odessa died as young adults. Her son Jesse was bitten by a snake and died when he was 2-3 months old.  

 

She buried three children and a husband. She lived the last 23 years of her life with only memories of the one that she loved (my Granddaddy). She frequented the graveyard at our family church on Father’s Day, Christmas, and each of their birthdays.  A few days before she slipped into a deep sleep she called for Jesus…” Come on in Jesus…..Hear me, Jesus” as her eyes were looking up at the ceiling and then at the door.  My curiosity got the best of me and I had to know what she saw.

 “ Grandma, do you see Jesus?”

“ Yes”

 “ What does He look like?” I asked

“ He looks like Jesus” she replied. :0)

 She also told me that my Granddaddy was coming down the hill for her. As she lay on her death bed & paralyzed on one side, she would lift up her only usable hand and softly call for my Granddaddy, “Jimmy”.

 Over the weekend, my words hit me like a ton of bricks.  Words really do have power! I realized that my Grandma had experienced the sting of loss just as I have.  I had to retract my “ I want to be just like Grandma” statement.    While I will always love, respect and admire her, I don’t want to be JUST like her although we already have a great deal in common. I want to navigate my own course and build my own legacy.

Grief 1.0

Grief 1.0

I had planned to "allow" myself to grieve yesterday. I've tried to suppress my emotions so that Chris didn’t have to see me cry everyday. So, if he wanted to be happy & go out to lunch/ dinner I made myself do that for him. I knew that I have until February to sort thru my emotions before heading back to work. ( That’s a WHOLE new chapter of anxiety that I will write about later….” The Black Cloud Returns…. yet again”)
I thought that I’d be sad yesterday...UNTIL Ethan work up at 0:30 DARK  (which never happens) and was awake until 630am. Not sure if he was sensitive Chris' emotions & needed to see him b4 he left for work or what. He threw up in our bed ( not sick at all..he drank milk & jumped around like a monkey & then threw it all up on the sheets & comforter).  After changing the bed & starting laundry we were able to sleep until 10am. :0)

There was an issue with parts at Chris’ job therefore, he was back at home by 1:00. So, my plan to allow myself to grieve just didn’t happen. Today has been a little different. After Chris left, I had a good cry. Israel's wake up time was usually in sync with Chris’ alarm clock. Most days as Chris prayed over us before he left, Israel would respond to Chris with movement.Today, there was NOTHING but memories.  One day,I'll be able to remember and smile but today,I remember and cry. I had been medicating myself so that I would sleep thru the night so that I would not have these reminders.  Now that Chris is back to work, I have to ( by my own choosing)  be up with him. The memories of his tiny feet kicking my sides & the stillness of the morning are simply painful...too painful to remember and yet  too priceless to forget.

Happy New Year

We closed out the year quietly at home. This is the 1^st time in a very LONG time that Chris and I have not brought the new year in at church.  I tried to keep Ethan up as long as possible but by 11:15pm his little tank was on EMPTY!  We took our last 2011 family picture and I kissed him for one final time in 2011 and Chris put him to bed.

We watched the Dick Clarks NYE show and toasted 2012 with sparkling grape juice.  I held pictures of Israel Grayson in my hand as we closed out 2011 and welcomed 2012. We made no resolutions.  We made no speeches. We are just thankful that we survived to see a new day and a new year. 

 I haven’t told God THANK YOU enough over the past few weeks but I am indeed thankful for the things that we DO have.

Memorial gifts & many thanks

SO many precious memorial gifts have come to us from friends far & near. Again, our hearts just leap with gratitude at the sincerity and kindness that people have in their hearts.

• Mikaela gave Chris a journal with a personal “ GOD inspired” message inside and gave me a beautiful card and prayer shawl (pictured below) that her Mother brought back from her trip to ISRAEL in November. Thank you

(sorry, I cannot rotate this one)

• Dacia sent a personalized Christmas teardrop ornament.  Thank you

• Michelle sent a beautiful wind chime. Thank you

• Summer sent a Forever Warm blanket for Grayson and 3 knitted blankets in memory of Destiny, Madison & Briauna.  Thank you
• Angie sent a “Forget Me Not” necklace. Thank you

Countless cards (and other heartfelt tokens ) have come thru the mail. I have read each of them MULTIPLE times. I will tuck these away in Grayson’s memory box and read them again on his birthday, just like we have done with the cards that we received for our daughters.

I want to share 2 of my favorite pictures that our nurse took at the hospital shortly after Grayson was born.  Sorry for the quality but my scanner would not work, so took a picture of a picture.  I wish that we had the CD or digital copies of these.  I like to keep duplicates in multiple forms of these priceless images. I keep these pictures in a photo album right beside my bed. This sweet face is what I open my eyes to each morning and the last thing that I see each night. 

“Necessary” tasks

We have completed some “necessary” tasks the last two days.  Bittersweet; but necessary nonetheless.  Here is a list of our accomplishments:

• Packed away all of the Christmas decorations.
• Removed the toddler bed out of the nursery (  I was never ready to move Ethan from his crib)
• Car seat and swing stored in attic.
• Rearranged the nursery furniture (was set up with crib for Grayson and toddler bed for Ethan) and made space for a play area to accommodate the surplus of Christmas toys.
• Packed away all of Ethan/Grayson’s clothes in Rubbermaid containers. (this was probably the hardest to do. I held tiny little outfits that Ethan wore and I envisioned how Grayson would have looked in them) I really had to ask myself,   “WHY am I saving these things?”
• Packed a bag of new items for a dear friend who is expecting a baby boy in February. Some were items that Ethan never got around to wearing and others were things that I had picked up for Grayson.
• Started the year end cleaning.  All 3 bathrooms are done, vacuuming is done, clothes are washed…I’m sure there will be 100 more cleaning items on the list tomorrow.

My “necessary” tasks…rearranged plans….stored memories...postponed dreams!

This is true...

…and the saying is true…

“Christmas just ain’t Christmas without the one you love”

ALL I want for Christmas is YOU!

Christmas Day 2011

Christmas Day 2011

 Happy Birthday Jesus! Merry Christmas to all of you!

 That’s about ALL of the Christmas cheer that I have. 

Ethan had a great Christmas.  Chris and I enjoyed seeing his little eyes sparkle as he beheld his gifts.

 During the stillness of the day, I couldn’t help but weep again. I made Christmas dinner…I cried as I washed the chicken.  There were tears in the potato salad but I believe all of the other food was tear-free.

We had several calls and text messages from our friends and family but I didn’t return any phone calls until hours later. The call from my Daddy ignited the waterworks. Just hearing him tell Chris & I that he loved us was the queue.

We spent a lot of time outside with Ethan this afternoon. He has a wagon that he absolutely loves and does NOT want to get out of.  We wheeled him up and down the street countless times. He was so happy and the look on his face was absolutely priceless.

My sister came over with my nieces and nephew. I love them so much. Seeing them so happy made my heart glad…and I cried! We visited my Mom’s house and seeing her so happy to shower Ethan with gifts made me happy…and I cried. However, I thought about how she’d be doing the same thing for Grayson…and I cried.   I was crying for most of our visit at her house.  I tried to conceal the tears at first and walk away or wipe my face when no one was looking. The tears were falling faster than I could wipe.  I couldn’t hide it anymore. Moma hugged me several times and with each hug….I cried more!  The very fibers of my soul are unraveling….

 Despite all of my tears today, I am thankful that we have a Savior (who is no longer a baby but is Lord & King) who understands the hurt that we feel & understands every tear that we cry.  Thank you Jesus!

Christmas Eve and a not so silent night

I’ve tried to update this blog several times over the past week but nothing has changed.  We are STILL angry.  We are STILL mad.  We still hurt. I desperately want to be better.  I’d like to have a day without crying or a night of non medicated peaceful sleep. I just want this to be better.  As much as I’ve tried to “hold it together” and “take it one day at a time” for the past few weeks, I can feel the very fibers of my soul beginning to unravel. I’m crying more and my anger has increased. I’m so angry at the situation that the anger overtakes my grief of Israel himself. I’m angry with myself and I’m angry with God somewhat. I just have so many questions for Him when we meet face to face. WHY does God think we are strong? WHY do we need to be acquainted with grief?

I visited Israel’s grave alone yesterday. ABSOLUTE meltdown.  I had been in somewhat of a “funk” all morning and I knew that I needed some time alone. Chris took Ethan to get a hair cut and I rushed to my Grayson boy.  It was Christmas Eve and the day that marked the 40^th week of pregnancy. Had we never been exposed to an incompetent cervix, premature rupture of membranes, and miscarriage, this would have been our official due date. 

All of the tears that I held back & swallowed at his graveside service and when Chris & I visited last Tuesday freely flowed as I thought about what should have been.  I either should have had a one week old baby at home or should have been laboring in the hospital.  I still had Daddy’s handkerchief that he used to wipe my face with at the service. I saturated the cloth with tears just knowing “what should have been” would never be. 

I wanted to leave something there with him. However, nothing of any significance came to mind other than our song…

My mind raced.  I wanted to hold him one more time. My heart pounded. I thought of how cold I was standing at his grave. I wept when I thought of his cold body underground. I wanted him. If only exhuming his body was not a crime…

I left and headed to the mall. I KNEW that I was setting myself up for failure but I knew that I had to have some time alone. I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes cleaning up my face and applying make up.  The moment I get out of my car, I see my dear friend Dana.  Tears immediately start.  We had a good conversation and another good cry and I made my way in the mall. I felt so paranoid.  I kept looking around in hopes that I only saw unfamiliar faces. 

I had to go to two stores to return clothes that I had purchased for Grayson. I silently prayed that the cashiers did not ask me the reason for return. Thankfully, the return process was uneventful.  I did run into more familiar faces than I wanted to. Who was I kidding; everyone was out shopping on Christmas Eve.  Of all the faces that I saw, the one that “got” me was Herb. He is the embalmer at the funeral home.  I kept Daddy’s handkerchief close and used it as often as necessary.

 The day did get better. Following dinner, we played with Ethan and I spontaneously suggested that we take a late night drive to see Christmas lights.  We got Ethan dressed in his new one piece- feet in Pj’s and headed out the door.  We rode thru neighborhoods looking at the lights.  I sat in the back with Ethan and took him out of the car seat. He was in my lap  with his face & hands smashed against the window.   He continued to repeat “oohhhhh” , “ Wow”  and “ Star”  as he gazed at the lights.   When his eyes started to get heavy, I put him back in his seat and I returned to the passenger seat. He was asleep in no time.  Chris and I continued to drive and talk. This was such a great outing for us.  I believe we’ve added a new tradition to the list.

We put Ethan to bed, ate Santa’s cookies, and pulled out Ethan’s toys.

We got into bed a little before 1am. I was exhausted but I could not sleep because my mind raced.  About 1:30am I asked Chris, “Why are YOU still awake” ? His answer, broke my heart.  He was longing for his boy!  Although this was not his response to my question I heard the depth of sorrow in his voice. Just when I thought my heart couldn’t heart anymore, it did.  I hurt for Chris. Oh my God, did I hurt for him.

 I actually had to get out of bed and go sit on the toilet.  I literally felt nauseous. This was anything but a silent night....

Ethan also woke up (again) about 3am screaming with a nightmare (or something). This has been happening about 3x’s/week since we’ve been home from the hospital, I wonder what is going on inside his little mind & spirit. 

Our visit to Israels grave

Our visit to Israels grave

Today marks one week since we gathered to say goodbye to Grayson. After dropping Ethan off at daycare we visited the cemetery. The blue mortuary tent was still up. Sadly, Grayson was joined by two other baby boys. They too had been laid to rest since last Tuesday.  Their graves were fresh, flowers still intact. I remember Barry (the mortician) saying that they had NINE BABIES the week that Grayson was born.

I held back the tears at his grave. I whispered, “Hey, Sweet boy”. There was a peaceful stillness there today. Chris and I stood at the foot of the grave without any exchange of dialogue. We did not need words at that moment; just each other…and Grayson if it were possible.

We looked at some of the headstones and later discussed the style that we wanted to have for him. I visited David’s grave and propped up his flower which had been toppled over by the wind.  We never met but he was a fighter. His mother, Tamara and I became acquainted thru the pregnancy & infant loss support group that I co-facilitate.

We drove away and my eyes stayed affixed to the floral spray that covered our son’s tiny 6 pound 4oz body.  As we proceeded toward home, I allowed myself to cry and to feel the weight of emptiness.

I stayed up until 1am browsing headstones online. I should have been up nursing a 3 day old baby…at least that’s what my body thinks as evidenced by leaking breasts!