Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time for all of us to reflect on the many thousands of children in this country who are taken much too soon every year. It's also a time to honor the families who are left behind to forever love a child they never knew, or knew much too briefly. If a tragedy such as miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDS has at any time altered the life of a family you know personally, let the month of October remind you to reach out to them. If you fear words will fail you, one simple way of saying you care is through a gift of something handmade and personalized.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for all pregnancies and infant death which includes but not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. It is recognized in the United States and throughout Canada on October 15th of each year.


Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is observed with Remembrance Ceremonies and candle lighting Vigils which coincides with an International Wave of Light with participants lighting candles on October 15 at 7:00 p.m. around the world to honor and remember our children.

Walk to Remember Memorial Service

Each year, GHS and St. Francis Hospitals observe a day to remember children who passed away due to miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc. This year’s event will be held at GHS on Sunday, October 18, 2009. I would like to personally invite you to attend the 2009 Walk to Remember Memorial Service. Some of you may have experienced infant loss and you understand first hand that although time heals our hearts, time does not erase the memory of our children. Please join me in remembering our precious children on October 18th.

I will be one of the speakers for this event and would love to share this special day with you.

Please feel free to encourage others to attend. Please e-mail me for more info.
Thanks,
Tanika

I'm TAC'd!!!!

I’m TAC’d!!!!


I thank God for safe travels to/from Chicago and for a successful surgery.

I have to say that everything that I read about Dr. Haney is TRUE, he is GREAT! He came to meet and chat with Moma and I during the pre-op. He explained the process and how he would approach the fibroids. He would only remove them if necessary; otherwise he would just ablate them so that they could not grow in future pregnancies.

I was a bit emotional and he was the perfect soothing agent. He had plenty to say about trying to conceive again, so i quickly got it together.

The emotional part was that ONE question on the medical history....The convos went like this..

"how many pregnancies"...THREE...(big smiles from staff)
"Okay. How many living children?"...NONE, three second trimester losses (smile QUICKLY FADES) and the tears flowed!
I wanted to ask if anyone read my chart other than Dr. Haney. I had this conversation 3 times within 10 minutes. WHY do I have to complete 3 medical history papers? Maybe they should just copy off of each others work! GEEZ!

Anyway while all of this is going on, the nurse is trying to start and IV. I had to get stuck FOUR times ( 3 by the nurse and one by the anesthesiologist). Finally, I had enough of the dude patting and thumping my hand and arm. I just pointed to the vein that ALWAYS works. I said, “ USE THIS ONE… it’s deep but it works, I promise”! Within a minute we were ready to roll. I think I will travel with my personal phlebotomist, Ann, for all future hospital admissions.


I remember the anesthesia being given thru the IV, a hug from /prayer Moma and NOTHING else except for waking up in recovery! I had some good ole pain meds that had me talking crazy. I remember asking the following:

1. Something about going to the mountain to get my fibroids.....hummm????

2. “Where’s my Mom..I need her to call my husband”

3. “What time is it…I don’t want to miss the season premier of Grey’s Anatomy”!!!


I had a cyst on my left ovary which was in the way of placing the band. An incision was made into the uterine wall to remove this. There were 7 fibroids, 3 of which were right at the incision site, so they were removed. The others were ablated. Because of the unexpected cyst on the ovary, we have to wait 60 days before we TTC to give the uterine walls time to heal.

My recovery is going well. I have more soreness than actual pain. Getting up and turning over are the most painful challenges. Dr. H. says that walking will help and in 2-3 days I should be back to normal. ( OKAY) I feel like someone took a sledgehammer to my abdomen! Will I feel like this after the c-section too? I am walking like an 80 year old…kinda slow and leaned forward but its okay! I keep thinking how much this pain now really means nothing in the big picture of this. It’s just necessary.

I am glad to be home! Chris welcomed us at the airport with a huge smile, hug/kiss and roses for both Moma and I. Gosh, I love that Man!

I am so thankful for the encouragement, prayers, and excitement of our friends and family.

The journey continues!

The journey continues!



On the road again…well, not exactly! In the air again is a more accurate statement. We’ve looked forward to this day and it’s so close. My nervousness and my excitement parallel. I have thought about this so much that I started having psychosomatic rash/breakouts on my hands, arms, and legs. Leave it to me to make it interesting.:0)



I am confident that the Lord has already gone before us. He has sent many wonderful people to cover us in prayer and be the voice of support and encouragement. As much as I would rather not be facing surgery…I just wanted God to heal me supernaturally so that His Glory would not have to be shared or channeled thru the medical professionals. I gladly endure this. I believe in the wisdom of our God that ALL of this will be ultimately used for His glory. A few days before I delivered Destiny in Dec”07, I was dreaming of this song, “ All for your Glory”. In my sleep, I was in the midst of an incredible praise & worship experience and this is the song ministered to me deeply. I wrote up and penned the words to the song. I KNOW that this is the message for the journey. No matter what we gain….It’s for His Glory! No matter what we loose….It’s for His Glory! No matter who or what we encounter ….It’s for His Glory!



Thank you for your love and support. Big hugs and we’ll chat soon!



For His Glory!

Tanika

the countdown continues

Can you believe that by this time next week I will be back at home with my abdominal cerclage? I am so happy and nervous at the same time.



Seems like I have a million things to do before flying to Chicago on Wednesday. They will all get done even if it doesn’t happen until 2 or 3:00in the morning. I packed my clothes tonight and will just need to pack the toiletries on Tuesday.

I have made my list of the things that I cannot forget…( phone charger, IPOD, pain meds, etc)

This weekend was great rainy weather and I admit…I DID NOTHING BUT ENJOY IT! I spent the whole day inside yesterday writing a speech for a memorial at our local hospital. I am not really sure how I consented to speak so soon after loss but I am sure that I will get through it just fine. The speech is actually coming along well. I don’t feel compelled to JUST tell my story but to offer hope to others also. Recalling the journey of three losses was very emotional for me yesterday. I realized that I had really suppressed a great deal of emotions. I also realized that God’s strength really is perfect in weakness. I am just amazed that I lived thru all of this.

The event is 10/18. I will be sure to either post the speech after I give it or give an update about it. If you know of anyone who has been touched by miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss, please encourage them to come to the event if you are in the area. You can e-mail me for details.

As much as I would love to continue this ramble, I can’t! I still have a growing to –do list before me. We’ll chat soon! Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement. Please continue to pray for traveling grace and pray for my surgeon Dr. Haney.

I believe….

I believe….




There are angels among us! I can home yesterday afternoon to find a package on my front door step. My first thought was that my husband was doing some more shopping on ebay or something. To my surprise, the package was for me! So I started to think…did I order something? Did I sign up for something? The package was from Caleb’s Ministries which is a Christian ministry offering help, encouragement, and hope for women experiencing infertility or loss of a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss. http://www.calebministries.org/home/

So, I ripped open the package to find out who sent this gift to me. The package contained “Learning thru Loss”: ( a small group or self-guided Bible study designed to encourage the woman who has lost her baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant death or who is infertile.) and an audio CD of a mother sharing her testimony of God’s faithfulness to her….and no information about who sent it!

This is such a thoughtful gift but even more than that I was amazed at the timing of it all. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. I spent some time doing retail therapy but everywhere I went, I saw pregnant women and babies. I even found myself just browsing thru the kids section of a department store with smiles and tears. While driving home, I had a good cry and I had an awakening moment which revealed why I was so emotional. It was this time 2 years ago that our life was normal and untouched by loss…it was 2 years ago that had my 1st positive pregnancy test. We were blissfully happy! My tears were my way reflecting on the yesterdays and longing for happier tomorrows.

So, what was significant about the package? I realized that it wasn’t so much about the package but the timing & the message…I was reminded of God’s faithfulness toward me…I was reminded that nothing takes God by surprise and no matter what I will ever face, I am never alone. I believe that God places people in our lives for His purpose. I am thankful and humbled by the orchestration and strategic nature of God.

I am so sure that this gift is going to be a blessing to so many people. I intend to share the information on every occasion that I can. I co-lead a grief & loss support group in our area and I am sure that we will be able to utilize this to help other grieving parents.

I believe….There are angels among us!

Times.....

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way." – Charles Dickens


Have you ever felt like this…. Everything is great and awful at the same time? Today is really one of those days with no extreme highs and no frigid lows , just questionable mediums. My mind has been in overdrive today and I can’t quite seem to down shift. My thoughts have not been about our daughters but mostly about life and people in it.

This weekend has been exceptionally wonderful for me. I have spent time with people that I love the most, my family! Man, we have had such fun! I felt at such peace being in a room with generations of wise people who I knew genuinely loved each other, had no motives, intentions, or ill will toward the other. We shared good food, meaningful embraces, unforgettable laughter, and time that passed all too fast. It was the best of times.

In the midst of the “highs” , the “lows” invade my space like the dark, howling winds of a hurricane. I am compelled to process these thoughts in my head, less I let them overtake me. I grieve the hollowness of meaningless chatter and actions laced with motives arrayed in the wardrobe of comradery. I grieve for words misspoken or never spoken at all. I applaud the few who seek the light of truth. I grieve for those who feel safe in darkness of lies. It was the worst of times.

Lord, You are an infinite God without end or beginning. Not only are you aware of all I have ever been or experienced, you are aware of all there is to come. In fact, You have already been there and know me…know all I have experienced from moment to moment. You have experienced my life in an intimate way even to the numbering of the hairs on my head. Every detail of my life is important and valuable to You. Though I am constrained in my thinking as it relates to time, You are not. The greatest hindrance to not living a life outside the constraints of time is to see it limited and unyielding…to see time as having no potential outside of the moment. To do so eliminates all consequences and blessings resulting out of time based actions on my part. Time is eternal and I must see it as such. What I do in time affects the times to come; therefore, it has eternal consequences both good and bad.

Teach me to see beyond the moment into a realm where there is no time so I can put more value on what I do at any given time. Teach me to see everything I do with eternal eyes. As I do this, what I participate in or don’t participate in will change in order to bring about the most effective change.

Can you join me?

Please say a prayer for my 22 year old cousin and her new son.. K was at work earlier last week when her water broke. There were no signs that anything was wrong prior to this . It appears that she also has an incompetent cervix and has suffered a previous loss last year. She gave birth to her son on 9/5 at 29 weeks. He was born weighing 2 pounds. He is doing well but will remain in NICU until his due date of November 15 . He was placed on the ventilator and under the light for jaundice. Thankfully, all of his organs are functioning and he’s already proven to be a fighter as his ventilator was removed yesterday. K was able to hold him for the 1st time and give him breast milk that she pumped. Please join me in praying for continued health and growth for Baby T. Life at any age is amazing!

Thank you for your prayers~

Don’t waste pain

Today has been a great day and my mind has been running with thoughts. One of my friends said to me , “ I’m so impressed with your perseverant spirit! Please tell me how you do it?” This really caused me to think and reflect the highs and lows of my life.
I really thought, HOW have I endured this?…WHY do I manage to keep at it? , WHY not give up? A great theologian said, “ Don’t waste pain”! ( Okay, so this is what my husband said during his sermon last year…I can call him a great theologian if I want too :0) lol) But really, I made the decision NOT to waste the pain that I’ve been through. It would be sooo incredibly easy to let my past pain be the defining moments of my life. However, I don’t want to be known for my pain. Do you know people like that? You always hear the negative…the gossip about people. “ That’s XYZ, the one that got divorced”….”that’s ABC’s daughter, the one that committed suicide”, or “That’s Tanika, the one who lost three babies. “

So, why have I persevered? Because, I am so much more than the pain I have endured. Pain has a purpose…it’s JUST the transportation method to get me to the next phase in my life. My pain cannot be the final verdict and description of me. I’m going to fully develop the pain. Pain is like developing a picture in a dark room where there is a absence of light. Think about it. What if you never saw the finished product of your wedding photos? What if they were stopped in ”process” and you only saw the black, wet paper. That is the only memory that you’d have of your wedding to pass along for generations. This is exactly how I could be if I let me pain define me. I could stay here and become emotionally bitter and negative but I am not accustomed to darkness! I have to know that this is just a snapshot in time and not the end. This is process! When pain is fully developed, something of value comes from it. So, stay tuned, don’t define me by my moment of darkness, and keep watching for the final picture. ;0)