I have a confirmed surgery date for my Trans abdominal cerclage (TAC). The surgery date is September 24th at 1:30. 
28 days to go!!!!
28 days to go!!!!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Prized possessions
I have so many pics of thing that are priceless to us. Here are two items that we'll always hold dear to our hearts! (more to come)
Clay Molds of Destiny & Briauna ( look at the detail) These are PRICELESS. I love them and our dear friends B&A who gave them to us. 
Clay Molds of Destiny & Briauna ( look at the detail) These are PRICELESS. I love them and our dear friends B&A who gave them to us.
________________________________________________________________________
This is the “homemade” card that I posted about earlier. It's STRAIGHT from the heart. We will always treasure this.
Thanks S’s, R’s,& S’s 
WHEN????
So, just as I was ready to put Dr. H’s scheduler, Justin on the chopping block for not calling me back…I get an email from him tonight at 8pm. He’s been out of the office unexpectedly for 2 days…thus, no call! Okay, I will spare him until NOON tomorrow :0) ( ya see how patient I am, right)
So, when I know the details I will post again.
So, when I know the details I will post again.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Back to work!!!!
The day has finally arrived! I am facing my fears and getting back to work. I had some thoughts today like, “ WHAT was I thinking”…” Am I really ready”, etc… Well, none of that matters because I will be at work tomorrow and there is no turning back now. I will make it a good day. I am thankful that I never have to do anything alone or in my own strength.
God, thank you for going before me and for enabling me to face the challenges of tomorrow.
God, thank you for going before me and for enabling me to face the challenges of tomorrow.
Jesus travels thru the mail!!!!
:0)
I am so incredibly touched. Last week, I received a card in the mail from someone I have never met. Although, we don’t know each other personally, our husbands work together. This sweet lady ( and her circle of friends) knew about our story and had been praying for us even before we conceived Madison. She sent me the sweetest card….a simple card to encourage my faith and to remind me that God will guide us thru this time. I stood at my front door and cried a river just knowing how much God thinks about us and our situation. How touching it is to know that people give unselfishly of their time and of themselves. Many of you reading this have simply heard of our story and have prayed for us. Please know that we sincerely feel the effects of your prayers and are indeed humbled and appreciative.
On Saturday, we received another card from three couples that we do know:0) Again, I could not hold back the tears. We had a very elegant, home made card. I will post a picture of the card soon. I wish that I could tell you how much this card touched us . We have received NUMEROUS cards in the mail over the last month and we’ve read them all and placed them in Madison’s memory box. This card however, was very unique. It was not a sympathy card but rather a card to inspire us to keep doing what we love to do …and that is to love each other. Thru the tears, I was able to smile and reflect on the love that Chris and I share, the love we have for our family and friends, and the love that God shows to us…even thru the mail.
Can I challenge you? Can you take $ .44 and brighten someone’s day or send it in an e-mail/ e-card. Just send a card to an old friend, a relative…somebody..even if its someone that you don’t know. Just tell them that you love them, appreciate them, or whatever it may be to give them hope.
I sent out several cards over the weekend. I can honestly say that it feels equally overwhelming to give love as to receive it. Our precious Spiritual Godfather, “Pop Davis” says, “ Love is what it DOES” If you love someone, don’t just say it…do something to show it!
Love makes the journey of life worth living.
I am so incredibly touched. Last week, I received a card in the mail from someone I have never met. Although, we don’t know each other personally, our husbands work together. This sweet lady ( and her circle of friends) knew about our story and had been praying for us even before we conceived Madison. She sent me the sweetest card….a simple card to encourage my faith and to remind me that God will guide us thru this time. I stood at my front door and cried a river just knowing how much God thinks about us and our situation. How touching it is to know that people give unselfishly of their time and of themselves. Many of you reading this have simply heard of our story and have prayed for us. Please know that we sincerely feel the effects of your prayers and are indeed humbled and appreciative.
On Saturday, we received another card from three couples that we do know:0) Again, I could not hold back the tears. We had a very elegant, home made card. I will post a picture of the card soon. I wish that I could tell you how much this card touched us . We have received NUMEROUS cards in the mail over the last month and we’ve read them all and placed them in Madison’s memory box. This card however, was very unique. It was not a sympathy card but rather a card to inspire us to keep doing what we love to do …and that is to love each other. Thru the tears, I was able to smile and reflect on the love that Chris and I share, the love we have for our family and friends, and the love that God shows to us…even thru the mail.
Can I challenge you? Can you take $ .44 and brighten someone’s day or send it in an e-mail/ e-card. Just send a card to an old friend, a relative…somebody..even if its someone that you don’t know. Just tell them that you love them, appreciate them, or whatever it may be to give them hope.
I sent out several cards over the weekend. I can honestly say that it feels equally overwhelming to give love as to receive it. Our precious Spiritual Godfather, “Pop Davis” says, “ Love is what it DOES” If you love someone, don’t just say it…do something to show it!
Love makes the journey of life worth living.
Friday, August 21, 2009
I LOVE Dr. H!!!
My phone consult went great today! Dr. H. is very thorough, so the list of questions that we had were answered during his overview. Although he has copies of my medical records, he wanted to hear about our losses. I started, “ my first Miscarriage”….he immediately stopped me and said “ Mrs. Dillard, we typically classify miscarriage as a 1st trimester loss, which usually happens because of genetic abnormalities or unknown reasons” . What you have experienced should not be minimized a “just” a miscarriage. You’ve had three 2nd trimester losses…you’ve held three babies…” So, I proceeded with the story of our three 2nd trimester losses.
Dr. H. asked the standard medical history. I confirmed that I had no medical issues. His next statement made me smile, “ Mrs. Dillard, I need for you and your husband to start thinking and believing that you can have ALL of the children that you want and that you will have normal full-term pregnancies” ;0)
He proceeded to explain the malfunctioning of my cervix ( as I have never heard it explained before) and how things should happen in a normal cervix. Finally, he explained the surgical process. There will be a band placed at the top of the cervix to prevent it from opening. He explained that this method is basically 100% effective because there is no way the cervix can open bigger than the band around it.
The scheduler works M_TH so I will have to find out on Monday when the surgery will be. Let the countdown begin! I will not be able to drive for 7-10 days post-op but should be able to do other activities in no time.
Dr. H. ended the conversation by restating his initial statement , “I need for you and your husband to start thinking and believing that you can have ALL of the children that you want and that you will have normal full-term pregnancies”…However, there is just one thing that your husband has to do for me” ( what’s that, I asked) his reply, “ get you pregnant”. Dr. H, don’t worry, he’ll be more than happy too…we’ll see you in September”!
Dr. H. asked the standard medical history. I confirmed that I had no medical issues. His next statement made me smile, “ Mrs. Dillard, I need for you and your husband to start thinking and believing that you can have ALL of the children that you want and that you will have normal full-term pregnancies” ;0)
He proceeded to explain the malfunctioning of my cervix ( as I have never heard it explained before) and how things should happen in a normal cervix. Finally, he explained the surgical process. There will be a band placed at the top of the cervix to prevent it from opening. He explained that this method is basically 100% effective because there is no way the cervix can open bigger than the band around it.
The scheduler works M_TH so I will have to find out on Monday when the surgery will be. Let the countdown begin! I will not be able to drive for 7-10 days post-op but should be able to do other activities in no time.
Dr. H. ended the conversation by restating his initial statement , “I need for you and your husband to start thinking and believing that you can have ALL of the children that you want and that you will have normal full-term pregnancies”…However, there is just one thing that your husband has to do for me” ( what’s that, I asked) his reply, “ get you pregnant”. Dr. H, don’t worry, he’ll be more than happy too…we’ll see you in September”!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
He heals me...
I am glad that I took the time this week to challenge myself to get out of the house. The change of scenery was good for me. I really didn’t do anything spectacular but in doing “something” I knew that I was doing the right thing. This week, I was reminded of the simple things in life. My 6 year old niece had me in tears on Tuesday. She heard “her song” , pulled out her guitar and began to sing “ He Heals Me” by India Arie. The room grew quiet and all eyes were on her. She picked up her guitar, sang these words, and looked directly at me….
He heals me \He knows the real me\ And he accepts me, he never hurts me\ He heals me\ He knows the real me \And he accepts me, he never hurts me\ He heals me
You know I cried, right? It was such a moment for me just to hear those words. Amazingly, God can speak thru anything and anyone He chooses. I can’t say for sure who India was referring to when she wrote this song. All I know is that I felt like God was starting the process of healing me. I am so thankful that HE knows the real me. I don’t have to pretend with Him.
Music is such a part of my life. Can you imagine life without it???? I shared with Chris earlier this week that no matter how much I say “I don’t understand God”… “ I don’t want to go back to church right now” …blah…blah…blah…. The funny thing is…He is STILL all I sing about. Standing in the kitchen I found myself singing.. “ I Never Lost my Praise”
I never lost my hope, \I never lost my joy\ I never lost my faith\ But most of all, I never lost my praise
…and the other song is “ Hope Now” . I’ve been singing the chorus…because...well, that is all that I know! :0)
Everything rides on hope now\ Everything rides on faith somehow When the world has broken me down Your love sets me free
Thank God for the wonderful gift of music for truly, …it heals me!!
( I added these videos with the hope that these songs would encourage you, just as they have encouraged me…now, go listen to ‘em :0) )
He heals me \He knows the real me\ And he accepts me, he never hurts me\ He heals me\ He knows the real me \And he accepts me, he never hurts me\ He heals me
You know I cried, right? It was such a moment for me just to hear those words. Amazingly, God can speak thru anything and anyone He chooses. I can’t say for sure who India was referring to when she wrote this song. All I know is that I felt like God was starting the process of healing me. I am so thankful that HE knows the real me. I don’t have to pretend with Him.
Music is such a part of my life. Can you imagine life without it???? I shared with Chris earlier this week that no matter how much I say “I don’t understand God”… “ I don’t want to go back to church right now” …blah…blah…blah…. The funny thing is…He is STILL all I sing about. Standing in the kitchen I found myself singing.. “ I Never Lost my Praise”
I never lost my hope, \I never lost my joy\ I never lost my faith\ But most of all, I never lost my praise
…and the other song is “ Hope Now” . I’ve been singing the chorus…because...well, that is all that I know! :0)
Everything rides on hope now\ Everything rides on faith somehow When the world has broken me down Your love sets me free
Thank God for the wonderful gift of music for truly, …it heals me!!
( I added these videos with the hope that these songs would encourage you, just as they have encouraged me…now, go listen to ‘em :0) )
Homework is DONE!
Alright, tomorrow is the big day. I finally get to talk with Dr. H. who is “MY” gynecologic surgeon in Chicago. :0) Chris and I sat down to write out our questions for the 1 hour phone consult tomorrow. I am very anxious to hear the official date of the surgery. September 24th is the earliest that the TAC can be placed. I can be ready by then…heck I’m ready NOW! So, be on the lookout for a full press conference ( lol) tomorrow afternoon with the latest updates.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Picking up the pieces...
I was able to tackle some of my “to- do “ list from last week. Specifically, the most important thing that I wanted to do was to pick up Madison’s remains from the mortuary. I prepared myself to have a break down right in the parking lot of the mortuary but that did not happen at all. I looked at the bag of ashes and tiny bone fragments and a felt a rush of emotions. I was amazed …I felt clammy & weak…I felt proud to just hold “her” again…I felt sad because I wasn’t carrying her inside of be but rather beside me in the passenger seat. Our heart has seemingly felt shattered…I felt like I picked up some of the pieces.
I still had some medical things to take are of. I had my 2 week follow up appointment on Thursday. I go to a single practice OB therefore, the office is small and only has 2 exam rooms. Without saying, going back to the office is bittersweet to say it mildly. Things were okay but I do have upper and lower cervical scarring from the cerclage. I can understand the lower scarring since that is were the cerclage was placed but I don’t know how the upper scarring occurred. At any rate, there is nothing that can be done about it.
My most exciting find was a wonderful gynecologic surgeon in Chicago. ( THANK YOU, MICHELLE) Dr. H. is known around the world for his work with Trans abdominal cerclages ( TAC). He performs over 100 per year and has a 95% success rate in full term delivery. Women with cervical issues have traveled as far as Australia to have Dr. H perform the TAC. I emailed Dr. H and gave him a brief description of my story and wanted to get more information from him. Within 4 hours he had e-mailed me back with a book. Very nice guy and amazingly, he knows my high risk OB here in Greenville. He and Dr. G were facility together at Duke University. I felt like I was connecting the dots!!! Dr. H. says the TAC is most effective when placed pre-pregnancy. The earliest it can be place is the end of September 24 ( 8 weeks post delivery). I have a phone consult with Dr. H on Friday and we will finalize the date of the surgery. I’m headed to Chicago…anyone wanna come??? The other good thing from Dr. H. is that we can try again as soon as the TAC is placed.
I received full maternity leave thru September 9th but I have decided to go back a little early on 8/24. Am I ready? Absolutely NOT! Do I need to? ABSOLUTELY Yes! Chris and I had several discussions about when to go back and he simply wanted me to take my time and go back only when I was ready .It’s NOW or NEVER for me. Home has been my place of safety. I sat at home most of last week with doors closed, curtains drawn, TV off and drowning in my own thoughts and tears. Getting out of bed and taking a shower was a major accomplishment. It would take me all morning and afternoon what to decide to cook for dinner. But somehow, I would be totally fine with things remaining just the way they are. I could initiate the new show, “The Housewives of Greenville County” ( Chris shot that idea down) So, I decided that I HAVE to go back to work now or else become a permanent fixture at home. I went in the office yesterday just to print off some things and prepare for my return. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get into the computer systems yet so I will go back on Wednesday.
My plan this week is to go somewhere everyday, just to get out of the house. I have to deal with the shame/embarrassment, and even the silence that comes with my presence. So yesterday my excursions were the office, the mall, and Wal-mart. Thanks Kim for walking with me at the office. :0) Today, I am going to the Share Grief & Loss support group meeting. Not really sure about the rest of the week but I’m going somewhere EVERYDAY!!!
I still had some medical things to take are of. I had my 2 week follow up appointment on Thursday. I go to a single practice OB therefore, the office is small and only has 2 exam rooms. Without saying, going back to the office is bittersweet to say it mildly. Things were okay but I do have upper and lower cervical scarring from the cerclage. I can understand the lower scarring since that is were the cerclage was placed but I don’t know how the upper scarring occurred. At any rate, there is nothing that can be done about it.
My most exciting find was a wonderful gynecologic surgeon in Chicago. ( THANK YOU, MICHELLE) Dr. H. is known around the world for his work with Trans abdominal cerclages ( TAC). He performs over 100 per year and has a 95% success rate in full term delivery. Women with cervical issues have traveled as far as Australia to have Dr. H perform the TAC. I emailed Dr. H and gave him a brief description of my story and wanted to get more information from him. Within 4 hours he had e-mailed me back with a book. Very nice guy and amazingly, he knows my high risk OB here in Greenville. He and Dr. G were facility together at Duke University. I felt like I was connecting the dots!!! Dr. H. says the TAC is most effective when placed pre-pregnancy. The earliest it can be place is the end of September 24 ( 8 weeks post delivery). I have a phone consult with Dr. H on Friday and we will finalize the date of the surgery. I’m headed to Chicago…anyone wanna come??? The other good thing from Dr. H. is that we can try again as soon as the TAC is placed.
I received full maternity leave thru September 9th but I have decided to go back a little early on 8/24. Am I ready? Absolutely NOT! Do I need to? ABSOLUTELY Yes! Chris and I had several discussions about when to go back and he simply wanted me to take my time and go back only when I was ready .It’s NOW or NEVER for me. Home has been my place of safety. I sat at home most of last week with doors closed, curtains drawn, TV off and drowning in my own thoughts and tears. Getting out of bed and taking a shower was a major accomplishment. It would take me all morning and afternoon what to decide to cook for dinner. But somehow, I would be totally fine with things remaining just the way they are. I could initiate the new show, “The Housewives of Greenville County” ( Chris shot that idea down) So, I decided that I HAVE to go back to work now or else become a permanent fixture at home. I went in the office yesterday just to print off some things and prepare for my return. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get into the computer systems yet so I will go back on Wednesday.
My plan this week is to go somewhere everyday, just to get out of the house. I have to deal with the shame/embarrassment, and even the silence that comes with my presence. So yesterday my excursions were the office, the mall, and Wal-mart. Thanks Kim for walking with me at the office. :0) Today, I am going to the Share Grief & Loss support group meeting. Not really sure about the rest of the week but I’m going somewhere EVERYDAY!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Overabundance of scattered thoughts
So today, I have another overabundance of scattered thoughts….
Thought 1:
Chris and I left for Myrtle Beach on Wednesday and came back on Saturday. It was so nice to get from under the seemingly black cloud of depression here at home. We had a good trip but there were still painful reminders of why we were really there. Every time I saw a pregnant woman I could not hold back the tears. Specifically, on our 1st day at the beach a pregnant lady walked past us and stopped right in front of us and held her stomach…it appeared that she was contracting. I wanted to run to her and help her because her husband was walking 15 steps ahead of her and didn’t come back to help…anyway there was nothing I could do. Secondly, there were plenty of strollers and infants in arms of their parents…. It was a beautiful sight but just made me sad.
The good part about all of this is that NO ONE knew us. Remember the theme song from Cheers? “Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name”???? Well, I am TOTALLY the opposite .I want to be where NO ONE knows me….no one knows my story….It’s just so hard to face people right now. If we could relocate and have a home, our jobs, and our church I would be packing today. I know is not reality but certainly what I’d do if I could.
I feel like the woman with the issue of blood. Although, our “issues” are different, we share some of the same feelings of shame and isolation. This woman wanted nothing more than to touch Jesus and be made whole. I simply need Jesus to touch ME and make me whole- spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally!
Thought 2:
I have a few things on the to-do list for this week:
Complete and mail birth and death certificate forms
Pick up Madison’s remains from the mortuary
Have Madison’s name and birth date engraved on her urn.
Order pictures that we took of Madison to complete her memory book.
Schedule my 2 week follow up appointment with my OB
Talk with my high risk ob about abdominal cerclage surgery and timing for that
Take these braids out of my hair ( all help is welcome) and schedule a hair appointment
Look for grief counselors in the area. I went to a counselor in October but I wouldn’t recommend her again. She got on my nerves and would have me do these weekly assignments but when I would go back the next week she had no idea what she assigned me to do. UGH… I really don’t want to see a Christian Counselor…the last thing that I want is for someone to try to explain God to me and why this is happening to us. No one knows and its just too frustrating to even discuss.
Buy some kind of decongestant to dry up my milk supply. This is just such a painful (both mental and physical) reminder that there is no baby to feed!
Thought 3:
Chris’ bereavement leave is over and he went back to work today. We went out to dinner yesterday I and I started crying just thinking about him going back to work. I ironed his uniform for work and cried about that. He is the best medicine for me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have such an awesome husband. I also have to think about going back to work. It scares me to think about just concentrating on a project for work, my attitude, and how I will be able to interact with others. SCARY !!!!!
Enough rambling for today….
Thought 1:
Chris and I left for Myrtle Beach on Wednesday and came back on Saturday. It was so nice to get from under the seemingly black cloud of depression here at home. We had a good trip but there were still painful reminders of why we were really there. Every time I saw a pregnant woman I could not hold back the tears. Specifically, on our 1st day at the beach a pregnant lady walked past us and stopped right in front of us and held her stomach…it appeared that she was contracting. I wanted to run to her and help her because her husband was walking 15 steps ahead of her and didn’t come back to help…anyway there was nothing I could do. Secondly, there were plenty of strollers and infants in arms of their parents…. It was a beautiful sight but just made me sad.
The good part about all of this is that NO ONE knew us. Remember the theme song from Cheers? “Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name”???? Well, I am TOTALLY the opposite .I want to be where NO ONE knows me….no one knows my story….It’s just so hard to face people right now. If we could relocate and have a home, our jobs, and our church I would be packing today. I know is not reality but certainly what I’d do if I could.
I feel like the woman with the issue of blood. Although, our “issues” are different, we share some of the same feelings of shame and isolation. This woman wanted nothing more than to touch Jesus and be made whole. I simply need Jesus to touch ME and make me whole- spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally!
Thought 2:
I have a few things on the to-do list for this week:
Complete and mail birth and death certificate forms
Pick up Madison’s remains from the mortuary
Have Madison’s name and birth date engraved on her urn.
Order pictures that we took of Madison to complete her memory book.
Schedule my 2 week follow up appointment with my OB
Talk with my high risk ob about abdominal cerclage surgery and timing for that
Take these braids out of my hair ( all help is welcome) and schedule a hair appointment
Look for grief counselors in the area. I went to a counselor in October but I wouldn’t recommend her again. She got on my nerves and would have me do these weekly assignments but when I would go back the next week she had no idea what she assigned me to do. UGH… I really don’t want to see a Christian Counselor…the last thing that I want is for someone to try to explain God to me and why this is happening to us. No one knows and its just too frustrating to even discuss.
Buy some kind of decongestant to dry up my milk supply. This is just such a painful (both mental and physical) reminder that there is no baby to feed!
Thought 3:
Chris’ bereavement leave is over and he went back to work today. We went out to dinner yesterday I and I started crying just thinking about him going back to work. I ironed his uniform for work and cried about that. He is the best medicine for me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have such an awesome husband. I also have to think about going back to work. It scares me to think about just concentrating on a project for work, my attitude, and how I will be able to interact with others. SCARY !!!!!
Enough rambling for today….
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
If only in my dreams....
I have sat at the computer nearly everyday reading blog comments and then attempting to post a new blog. Seemingly, the words would just not come together…not really sure that today will be any different.
Let me first start by saying a big thank you…we have been blessed with great friends, family, and coworkers to love and support us. Although we have closed ourselves off to many calls and visits we are very much aware of your thoughts and concern for us, thank you!
I have to be honest and say that we do not understand why losses continue to befall us. There is nothing more that we want than to be parents and to love a child as much as we love each other ( with is a whole lot). Chris seems to think that God really trusts us and that He has great plans for us. This may very well be true…but I didn’t know that the trust and favor of God could cause so much pain. I really had to think of a reason to live. There have been days when I just want to be with my girls. Despite my indescribable longing for them, I have to get up and live for the day that we hold ( and bring home) the manifestation of our prayers. This song really says it all for me…. “ I Shall Live” by Jason Nelson.
I shall live, to declare his works I'll live, to speak well of his name I'll live, gonna give him praise I shall not die, but I'll live I will lift up my hands I'll live, trials don't have a chance I'll live, gonna give him praise I shall not die, but I'll live I'll live, I'll live... I Shall live to declare the works of the Lord Oh, yes, I'm gonna live Oh, yes I will
I have to believe that there will be a day that this all makes sense. I really don’t understand God but I am going to have to trust him with everything. ( I’m still under construction) My Grandma used to keep me when I was pre-school age. Everyday I’d find a little corner in the floor of her living room. I would sit and sing the hymn, “ I will trust in the Lord until I die” . My Grandma would always laugh at me because I sang the song with such purity and conviction. I think I will but that song in my heart today and in the days to come and see what happens.
I will bring my rambling to an end with this last thought…. Have you ever had such an amazing dream that you didn’t want to be awakened from? I’m sure that we all have. Sunday night I had the best dream….Chris and I had our sweet Madison at home and we were feeding her and just being proud parents. How I wish that dream was a reality. Madison, we’ll hold you close to us …in our hearts AND in our arms.... if only in our dreams!
Let me first start by saying a big thank you…we have been blessed with great friends, family, and coworkers to love and support us. Although we have closed ourselves off to many calls and visits we are very much aware of your thoughts and concern for us, thank you!
I have to be honest and say that we do not understand why losses continue to befall us. There is nothing more that we want than to be parents and to love a child as much as we love each other ( with is a whole lot). Chris seems to think that God really trusts us and that He has great plans for us. This may very well be true…but I didn’t know that the trust and favor of God could cause so much pain. I really had to think of a reason to live. There have been days when I just want to be with my girls. Despite my indescribable longing for them, I have to get up and live for the day that we hold ( and bring home) the manifestation of our prayers. This song really says it all for me…. “ I Shall Live” by Jason Nelson.
I shall live, to declare his works I'll live, to speak well of his name I'll live, gonna give him praise I shall not die, but I'll live I will lift up my hands I'll live, trials don't have a chance I'll live, gonna give him praise I shall not die, but I'll live I'll live, I'll live... I Shall live to declare the works of the Lord Oh, yes, I'm gonna live Oh, yes I will
I have to believe that there will be a day that this all makes sense. I really don’t understand God but I am going to have to trust him with everything. ( I’m still under construction) My Grandma used to keep me when I was pre-school age. Everyday I’d find a little corner in the floor of her living room. I would sit and sing the hymn, “ I will trust in the Lord until I die” . My Grandma would always laugh at me because I sang the song with such purity and conviction. I think I will but that song in my heart today and in the days to come and see what happens.
I will bring my rambling to an end with this last thought…. Have you ever had such an amazing dream that you didn’t want to be awakened from? I’m sure that we all have. Sunday night I had the best dream….Chris and I had our sweet Madison at home and we were feeding her and just being proud parents. How I wish that dream was a reality. Madison, we’ll hold you close to us …in our hearts AND in our arms.... if only in our dreams!
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