Picking up the pieces...

I was able to tackle some of my “to- do “ list from last week. Specifically, the most important thing that I wanted to do was to pick up Madison’s remains from the mortuary. I prepared myself to have a break down right in the parking lot of the mortuary but that did not happen at all. I looked at the bag of ashes and tiny bone fragments and a felt a rush of emotions. I was amazed …I felt clammy & weak…I felt proud to just hold “her” again…I felt sad because I wasn’t carrying her inside of be but rather beside me in the passenger seat. Our heart has seemingly felt shattered…I felt like I picked up some of the pieces.

I still had some medical things to take are of. I had my 2 week follow up appointment on Thursday. I go to a single practice OB therefore, the office is small and only has 2 exam rooms. Without saying, going back to the office is bittersweet to say it mildly. Things were okay but I do have upper and lower cervical scarring from the cerclage. I can understand the lower scarring since that is were the cerclage was placed but I don’t know how the upper scarring occurred. At any rate, there is nothing that can be done about it.

My most exciting find was a wonderful gynecologic surgeon in Chicago. ( THANK YOU, MICHELLE) Dr. H. is known around the world for his work with Trans abdominal cerclages ( TAC). He performs over 100 per year and has a 95% success rate in full term delivery. Women with cervical issues have traveled as far as Australia to have Dr. H perform the TAC. I emailed Dr. H and gave him a brief description of my story and wanted to get more information from him. Within 4 hours he had e-mailed me back with a book. Very nice guy and amazingly, he knows my high risk OB here in Greenville. He and Dr. G were facility together at Duke University. I felt like I was connecting the dots!!! Dr. H. says the TAC is most effective when placed pre-pregnancy. The earliest it can be place is the end of September 24 ( 8 weeks post delivery). I have a phone consult with Dr. H on Friday and we will finalize the date of the surgery. I’m headed to Chicago…anyone wanna come??? The other good thing from Dr. H. is that we can try again as soon as the TAC is placed.

I received full maternity leave thru September 9th but I have decided to go back a little early on 8/24. Am I ready? Absolutely NOT! Do I need to? ABSOLUTELY Yes! Chris and I had several discussions about when to go back and he simply wanted me to take my time and go back only when I was ready .It’s NOW or NEVER for me. Home has been my place of safety. I sat at home most of last week with doors closed, curtains drawn, TV off and drowning in my own thoughts and tears. Getting out of bed and taking a shower was a major accomplishment. It would take me all morning and afternoon what to decide to cook for dinner. But somehow, I would be totally fine with things remaining just the way they are. I could initiate the new show, “The Housewives of Greenville County” ( Chris shot that idea down) So, I decided that I HAVE to go back to work now or else become a permanent fixture at home. I went in the office yesterday just to print off some things and prepare for my return. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get into the computer systems yet so I will go back on Wednesday.

My plan this week is to go somewhere everyday, just to get out of the house. I have to deal with the shame/embarrassment, and even the silence that comes with my presence. So yesterday my excursions were the office, the mall, and Wal-mart. Thanks Kim for walking with me at the office. :0) Today, I am going to the Share Grief & Loss support group meeting. Not really sure about the rest of the week but I’m going somewhere EVERYDAY!!!