Let me first start by saying a big thank you…we have been blessed with great friends, family, and coworkers to love and support us. Although we have closed ourselves off to many calls and visits we are very much aware of your thoughts and concern for us, thank you!
I have to be honest and say that we do not understand why losses continue to befall us. There is nothing more that we want than to be parents and to love a child as much as we love each other ( with is a whole lot). Chris seems to think that God really trusts us and that He has great plans for us. This may very well be true…but I didn’t know that the trust and favor of God could cause so much pain. I really had to think of a reason to live. There have been days when I just want to be with my girls. Despite my indescribable longing for them, I have to get up and live for the day that we hold ( and bring home) the manifestation of our prayers. This song really says it all for me…. “ I Shall Live” by Jason Nelson.
I shall live, to declare his works I'll live, to speak well of his name I'll live, gonna give him praise I shall not die, but I'll live I will lift up my hands I'll live, trials don't have a chance I'll live, gonna give him praise I shall not die, but I'll live I'll live, I'll live... I Shall live to declare the works of the Lord Oh, yes, I'm gonna live Oh, yes I will
I have to believe that there will be a day that this all makes sense. I really don’t understand God but I am going to have to trust him with everything. ( I’m still under construction) My Grandma used to keep me when I was pre-school age. Everyday I’d find a little corner in the floor of her living room. I would sit and sing the hymn, “ I will trust in the Lord until I die” . My Grandma would always laugh at me because I sang the song with such purity and conviction. I think I will but that song in my heart today and in the days to come and see what happens.
I will bring my rambling to an end with this last thought…. Have you ever had such an amazing dream that you didn’t want to be awakened from? I’m sure that we all have. Sunday night I had the best dream….Chris and I had our sweet Madison at home and we were feeding her and just being proud parents. How I wish that dream was a reality. Madison, we’ll hold you close to us …in our hearts AND in our arms.... if only in our dreams!
In our losses, I too have wondered why... what could God possibly be thinking. My husband told me a story that I've shared with other orphaned parents. It brings me a lot of comfort.
ReplyDeleteHe said that perhaps our babies' spirits were in heaven and God told them that they could be born or they could live as spirits forever, but that, if they were to be born, they had to return suddenly because they had great works to do from heaven. That they should choose their parents wisely because not everyone would be able to have them for such a short time but love them forever... And, looking over all the world, they chose us to be their parents. How special we are, that our babies would choose their few earthly months in the womb and moments on earth to be with us. Knowing that we would love them forever and wait to hold them again one day.
Your babies chose you to be their mama because they know how much you will always love them. Always.
Sending hugs and remembering with you.
I do not have the right words, but sending you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteThere are NO approriate words during a time like this, anything that I can think about saying seems so inadequate. On Sunday, I cried all over momma (she was so diplomatic about allowing me to!) because my heart and spirit are both feeling your loss. Although its no where NEAR what I can only imagine you're feeling, just know that I love you, miss you and am praying for you.
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