Overabundance of scattered thoughts

So today, I have another overabundance of scattered thoughts….

Thought 1:
Chris and I left for Myrtle Beach on Wednesday and came back on Saturday. It was so nice to get from under the seemingly black cloud of depression here at home. We had a good trip but there were still painful reminders of why we were really there. Every time I saw a pregnant woman I could not hold back the tears. Specifically, on our 1st day at the beach a pregnant lady walked past us and stopped right in front of us and held her stomach…it appeared that she was contracting. I wanted to run to her and help her because her husband was walking 15 steps ahead of her and didn’t come back to help…anyway there was nothing I could do. Secondly, there were plenty of strollers and infants in arms of their parents…. It was a beautiful sight but just made me sad.
The good part about all of this is that NO ONE knew us. Remember the theme song from Cheers? “Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name”???? Well, I am TOTALLY the opposite .I want to be where NO ONE knows me….no one knows my story….It’s just so hard to face people right now. If we could relocate and have a home, our jobs, and our church I would be packing today. I know is not reality but certainly what I’d do if I could.
I feel like the woman with the issue of blood. Although, our “issues” are different, we share some of the same feelings of shame and isolation. This woman wanted nothing more than to touch Jesus and be made whole. I simply need Jesus to touch ME and make me whole- spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally!

Thought 2:
I have a few things on the to-do list for this week:
Complete and mail birth and death certificate forms
Pick up Madison’s remains from the mortuary
Have Madison’s name and birth date engraved on her urn.
Order pictures that we took of Madison to complete her memory book.
Schedule my 2 week follow up appointment with my OB
Talk with my high risk ob about abdominal cerclage surgery and timing for that
Take these braids out of my hair ( all help is welcome) and schedule a hair appointment
Look for grief counselors in the area. I went to a counselor in October but I wouldn’t recommend her again. She got on my nerves and would have me do these weekly assignments but when I would go back the next week she had no idea what she assigned me to do. UGH… I really don’t want to see a Christian Counselor…the last thing that I want is for someone to try to explain God to me and why this is happening to us. No one knows and its just too frustrating to even discuss.
Buy some kind of decongestant to dry up my milk supply. This is just such a painful (both mental and physical) reminder that there is no baby to feed!

Thought 3:
Chris’ bereavement leave is over and he went back to work today. We went out to dinner yesterday I and I started crying just thinking about him going back to work. I ironed his uniform for work and cried about that. He is the best medicine for me and I feel so incredibly blessed to have such an awesome husband. I also have to think about going back to work. It scares me to think about just concentrating on a project for work, my attitude, and how I will be able to interact with others. SCARY !!!!!

Enough rambling for today….