Memorial gifts & many thanks

SO many precious memorial gifts have come to us from friends far & near. Again, our hearts just leap with gratitude at the sincerity and kindness that people have in their hearts.

• Mikaela gave Chris a journal with a personal “ GOD inspired” message inside and gave me a beautiful card and prayer shawl (pictured below) that her Mother brought back from her trip to ISRAEL in November. Thank you

(sorry, I cannot rotate this one)

• Dacia sent a personalized Christmas teardrop ornament.  Thank you

• Michelle sent a beautiful wind chime. Thank you

• Summer sent a Forever Warm blanket for Grayson and 3 knitted blankets in memory of Destiny, Madison & Briauna.  Thank you
• Angie sent a “Forget Me Not” necklace. Thank you

Countless cards (and other heartfelt tokens ) have come thru the mail. I have read each of them MULTIPLE times. I will tuck these away in Grayson’s memory box and read them again on his birthday, just like we have done with the cards that we received for our daughters.

I want to share 2 of my favorite pictures that our nurse took at the hospital shortly after Grayson was born.  Sorry for the quality but my scanner would not work, so took a picture of a picture.  I wish that we had the CD or digital copies of these.  I like to keep duplicates in multiple forms of these priceless images. I keep these pictures in a photo album right beside my bed. This sweet face is what I open my eyes to each morning and the last thing that I see each night. 

“Necessary” tasks

We have completed some “necessary” tasks the last two days.  Bittersweet; but necessary nonetheless.  Here is a list of our accomplishments:

• Packed away all of the Christmas decorations.
• Removed the toddler bed out of the nursery (  I was never ready to move Ethan from his crib)
• Car seat and swing stored in attic.
• Rearranged the nursery furniture (was set up with crib for Grayson and toddler bed for Ethan) and made space for a play area to accommodate the surplus of Christmas toys.
• Packed away all of Ethan/Grayson’s clothes in Rubbermaid containers. (this was probably the hardest to do. I held tiny little outfits that Ethan wore and I envisioned how Grayson would have looked in them) I really had to ask myself,   “WHY am I saving these things?”
• Packed a bag of new items for a dear friend who is expecting a baby boy in February. Some were items that Ethan never got around to wearing and others were things that I had picked up for Grayson.
• Started the year end cleaning.  All 3 bathrooms are done, vacuuming is done, clothes are washed…I’m sure there will be 100 more cleaning items on the list tomorrow.

My “necessary” tasks…rearranged plans….stored memories...postponed dreams!

This is true...

…and the saying is true…

“Christmas just ain’t Christmas without the one you love”

ALL I want for Christmas is YOU!

Christmas Day 2011

Christmas Day 2011

 Happy Birthday Jesus! Merry Christmas to all of you!

 That’s about ALL of the Christmas cheer that I have. 

Ethan had a great Christmas.  Chris and I enjoyed seeing his little eyes sparkle as he beheld his gifts.

 During the stillness of the day, I couldn’t help but weep again. I made Christmas dinner…I cried as I washed the chicken.  There were tears in the potato salad but I believe all of the other food was tear-free.

We had several calls and text messages from our friends and family but I didn’t return any phone calls until hours later. The call from my Daddy ignited the waterworks. Just hearing him tell Chris & I that he loved us was the queue.

We spent a lot of time outside with Ethan this afternoon. He has a wagon that he absolutely loves and does NOT want to get out of.  We wheeled him up and down the street countless times. He was so happy and the look on his face was absolutely priceless.

My sister came over with my nieces and nephew. I love them so much. Seeing them so happy made my heart glad…and I cried! We visited my Mom’s house and seeing her so happy to shower Ethan with gifts made me happy…and I cried. However, I thought about how she’d be doing the same thing for Grayson…and I cried.   I was crying for most of our visit at her house.  I tried to conceal the tears at first and walk away or wipe my face when no one was looking. The tears were falling faster than I could wipe.  I couldn’t hide it anymore. Moma hugged me several times and with each hug….I cried more!  The very fibers of my soul are unraveling….

 Despite all of my tears today, I am thankful that we have a Savior (who is no longer a baby but is Lord & King) who understands the hurt that we feel & understands every tear that we cry.  Thank you Jesus!

Christmas Eve and a not so silent night

I’ve tried to update this blog several times over the past week but nothing has changed.  We are STILL angry.  We are STILL mad.  We still hurt. I desperately want to be better.  I’d like to have a day without crying or a night of non medicated peaceful sleep. I just want this to be better.  As much as I’ve tried to “hold it together” and “take it one day at a time” for the past few weeks, I can feel the very fibers of my soul beginning to unravel. I’m crying more and my anger has increased. I’m so angry at the situation that the anger overtakes my grief of Israel himself. I’m angry with myself and I’m angry with God somewhat. I just have so many questions for Him when we meet face to face. WHY does God think we are strong? WHY do we need to be acquainted with grief?

I visited Israel’s grave alone yesterday. ABSOLUTE meltdown.  I had been in somewhat of a “funk” all morning and I knew that I needed some time alone. Chris took Ethan to get a hair cut and I rushed to my Grayson boy.  It was Christmas Eve and the day that marked the 40^th week of pregnancy. Had we never been exposed to an incompetent cervix, premature rupture of membranes, and miscarriage, this would have been our official due date. 

All of the tears that I held back & swallowed at his graveside service and when Chris & I visited last Tuesday freely flowed as I thought about what should have been.  I either should have had a one week old baby at home or should have been laboring in the hospital.  I still had Daddy’s handkerchief that he used to wipe my face with at the service. I saturated the cloth with tears just knowing “what should have been” would never be. 

I wanted to leave something there with him. However, nothing of any significance came to mind other than our song…

My mind raced.  I wanted to hold him one more time. My heart pounded. I thought of how cold I was standing at his grave. I wept when I thought of his cold body underground. I wanted him. If only exhuming his body was not a crime…

I left and headed to the mall. I KNEW that I was setting myself up for failure but I knew that I had to have some time alone. I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes cleaning up my face and applying make up.  The moment I get out of my car, I see my dear friend Dana.  Tears immediately start.  We had a good conversation and another good cry and I made my way in the mall. I felt so paranoid.  I kept looking around in hopes that I only saw unfamiliar faces. 

I had to go to two stores to return clothes that I had purchased for Grayson. I silently prayed that the cashiers did not ask me the reason for return. Thankfully, the return process was uneventful.  I did run into more familiar faces than I wanted to. Who was I kidding; everyone was out shopping on Christmas Eve.  Of all the faces that I saw, the one that “got” me was Herb. He is the embalmer at the funeral home.  I kept Daddy’s handkerchief close and used it as often as necessary.

 The day did get better. Following dinner, we played with Ethan and I spontaneously suggested that we take a late night drive to see Christmas lights.  We got Ethan dressed in his new one piece- feet in Pj’s and headed out the door.  We rode thru neighborhoods looking at the lights.  I sat in the back with Ethan and took him out of the car seat. He was in my lap  with his face & hands smashed against the window.   He continued to repeat “oohhhhh” , “ Wow”  and “ Star”  as he gazed at the lights.   When his eyes started to get heavy, I put him back in his seat and I returned to the passenger seat. He was asleep in no time.  Chris and I continued to drive and talk. This was such a great outing for us.  I believe we’ve added a new tradition to the list.

We put Ethan to bed, ate Santa’s cookies, and pulled out Ethan’s toys.

We got into bed a little before 1am. I was exhausted but I could not sleep because my mind raced.  About 1:30am I asked Chris, “Why are YOU still awake” ? His answer, broke my heart.  He was longing for his boy!  Although this was not his response to my question I heard the depth of sorrow in his voice. Just when I thought my heart couldn’t heart anymore, it did.  I hurt for Chris. Oh my God, did I hurt for him.

 I actually had to get out of bed and go sit on the toilet.  I literally felt nauseous. This was anything but a silent night....

Ethan also woke up (again) about 3am screaming with a nightmare (or something). This has been happening about 3x’s/week since we’ve been home from the hospital, I wonder what is going on inside his little mind & spirit. 

Our visit to Israels grave

Our visit to Israels grave

Today marks one week since we gathered to say goodbye to Grayson. After dropping Ethan off at daycare we visited the cemetery. The blue mortuary tent was still up. Sadly, Grayson was joined by two other baby boys. They too had been laid to rest since last Tuesday.  Their graves were fresh, flowers still intact. I remember Barry (the mortician) saying that they had NINE BABIES the week that Grayson was born.

I held back the tears at his grave. I whispered, “Hey, Sweet boy”. There was a peaceful stillness there today. Chris and I stood at the foot of the grave without any exchange of dialogue. We did not need words at that moment; just each other…and Grayson if it were possible.

We looked at some of the headstones and later discussed the style that we wanted to have for him. I visited David’s grave and propped up his flower which had been toppled over by the wind.  We never met but he was a fighter. His mother, Tamara and I became acquainted thru the pregnancy & infant loss support group that I co-facilitate.

We drove away and my eyes stayed affixed to the floral spray that covered our son’s tiny 6 pound 4oz body.  As we proceeded toward home, I allowed myself to cry and to feel the weight of emptiness.

I stayed up until 1am browsing headstones online. I should have been up nursing a 3 day old baby…at least that’s what my body thinks as evidenced by leaking breasts!

Balloon Release

My dear friend, Ivette & her family live in FL. Although miles away, she wanted to do something to honor our son. She asked if it would be okay to release balloons for Israel on the day of the graveside service.

Thank you, Ivette~



"Sending the balloons to Heaven for Israel at 2:30 PM today 12/13/2011. We stayed watching them until we couldn't see them anymore. It went straight to heaven like they knew that it was their destination.
We love you!"

 

Happy Birthday Destiny!

Happy Birthday Destiny!

Four years ago today, we held a tiny 7oz baby girl who we later named Destiny Almaray.  Chris picked out her 1st name and I combined my Grandmothers names (Alma & Rachael) for her middle name.   December 19 , 2007 was a day that we had looked forward to since finding out of our pregnancy on my birthday weekend in ’07. We had an appointment scheduled for a gender ultrasound that day.  Things turned out differently after my water broke 2 weeks prior.

I have no pictures of Destiny. There are no footprints or handprints of her in a scrapbook, but there are memories of her in my heart.

 Happy 4^th Birthday to our firstborn daughter!  We love and miss you now just as much as we did 4 years ago.

Heavy Sighs & silent screams!

Heavy Sighs & silent screams!

I STILL cannot wrap my mind around this nightmare. WE WERE SOOOO CLOSE to bringing Israel Grayson home with us!

 I’m mad and I’m angry! ( I know…it’s the normal stages of grief)

 

I am going thru the motions of being okay but I hurt deeply & I feel so at fault for the pain that Chris & I feel. I should have felt the struggle or SOMETHING!

Thursday night, I felt anger  and bitterness overtaking me. I was mad that I wasn’t packing the hospital bag or double checking Ethan’s bag to go to the sitter &daycare. We were supposed to be happy on Thursday. That was to be our last night in this house as a family of three.  HEAVY SIGH!

Yesterday ( Friday) was an extremely hard day, filled with much anxiety & intense pain of what should have been the celebration of Israel’s birthday. I made an honest attempt to be “normal” yesterday and failed miserably within minutes. I kept telling myself that I'm delaying my grief so that Chris doesn’t feel the need to be strong for me. I have 8 weeks to grieve but he needs this time to grieve and I want to be (not strong) but emotionally stable to support him and offer my shoulder for him to lean on. I got out of bed after he came home from taking Ethan to daycare. My plan was converse about his thoughts & feelings,  make him breakfast if he were up for eating and just be near him.

I couldn’t. My will and my emotions were out of sync. I sat on the couch and asked a few questions and I could feel the angst and hollowness raging in my soul like a category V hurricane.  My mind was at the hospital. I wanted to be in OR#2. I wanted to hear Grayson release a vibrant scream and announce his arrival. I wanted to hear “Congratulations, he’s beautiful” .  I wanted to see Chris smile like he did when Ethan was born. I wanted Chris to be happy.  We were not supposed to be at home with the curtains drawn…

 

INSERT SILENT SCREAMS!!!!!!

I made an about-face and returned to our bedroom. I stared at the ceiling fan. I stared at the window. I envisioned how the day should have been and with each thought, I was submerged deeper in sorrow.

The Graveside Service

The Graveside Service

 NO parent should ever know how it feels to say a goodbye forever to a child. I can honestly say, Tuesday was one of the hardest days of our lives.

 We kept Ethan home from daycare so that he could attend the service. As much as I tried to get things done, I just could not manage to concentrate on anything!  Ethan still had to bed fed, dressed, played with and loved on.  I found myself “holding it together” for the sake of normalcy for him.  That was until I fed him lunch. I attempted to say the blessing with him and the levees that had been restraining my emotions gave way. 

 Ethan & Chris took a nap and I raced against the clock to iron our clothes & pickup things around the house. My aunt in CT called just to say, “ I love you” and the sincerity of her voice touched my soul. I wanted to say more to her but I couldn’t articulate a word. Seemingly, saying I love you in that moment was all that needed to be said.

 We drove ourselves to the cemetery. Chris and I shared our thoughts & feelings about the task that was before us. Simply put, we were sad!  As we drove up, we could see that a crowd had already gathered. We arrived about30 minutes early & I was surprised to see people there already.  We parked & opted to just wait in the car in hopes that we would avoid conversation before the service. NO such luck….We heard about job interviews and introductions to fiancées…. I didn’t want to be rude but I wanted to yell…..”Excuse me, we are here to bury our son….can we discuss YOUR LIFE LATER…much later”!

Thankfully, some men from our church gathered around Chris and my spiritual Godmother came to me. Thank God for people who just know how to be a powerful, quiet presence. I kept my head down, face covered & eyes closed as I sat in the car. As I lifted my head, I could see the hearse moving slowly toward us. My heart raced out of my chest. Barry, the mortician, exited the car and withdrew the tiny casket that Chris closed at the mortuary on Sunday. Our precious baby boy had arrived!

 With a mortician to my left and Chris on my right, we walked under the tent and were seated for the service. I scanned the crowd and immediately felt overwhelming love by the number of people who were in attendance and equally overwhelmed with sorrow. I closed my eyes tightly, gripped my Daddy’s hand and Chris’ leg. I heard everything that was going on but just listened in the background. I needed to sing  "our song" to Israel one last time….

 Love always sees you

Even when you’re not looking
And Oh love comes thru when faith needs healing
Love always knows truth even when you struggle
And I will never miss a moment and it makes us one forever!

 The service was brief, just like Israel’s life, but it was beautiful.  We were greeted with so many warm hugs, tears, thoughtful words and compassionate hearts.

 We lingered at the cemetery. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the tiny casket & vault that held the remains of my sweet baby! I wanted to ask Barry if he’d open the casket once more. Maybe I could just kiss him one more time or rub his soft hair…. Deep down, I knew the answer but I longed for more. 

 I took a few pictures of the casket and the Christmas ornament that my nephew & nieces made for Israel.  Barry then advised us to leave because he didn’t want us to see the actual burial. He said that it would be the last memory that we had of him& it would be painful…we took his advise and made the drive home.

This poem was on the back of the obituary. My friend Ann found it online…..I think its perfect!

Precious Little One

I'm just a precious little one

who didn’t make it there.

I went straight to be with Jesus,

but I’m waiting for you here.

Many dwelling here where I live,

waited years to enter in,

Struggled through a world of sorrow,

a world marred with pain and sin.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

it was brief but don’t complain.

I have all Heaven's Glory,

Suffered none of earth's great pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me.

I’d have loved to bring it fame.

But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows,

I would have suffered just the same.

So sweet family, don’t you sorrow.

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.

I went straight to Jesus' arms

from my loving Mother's womb.

Author Unknown

My devotion for today....

 

My precious friend, Mikaela Davis has committed herself to encouraging me thru the Word of God. Somehow, I can receive what she says ( so, no one else needs to feel compelled to fill this space) She's not preaching to me or trying to explain God at all. Such a sweet spirit & friend. She's just the wind of refreshing to my heart.

This is her devotion that she sent me this morning. This one, like all the others have been perfect timing!

  I shared this devotion & video because some of you may be where I am. You may be weak, your faith may need to be increased or to be reminded of God’s love for you….

From Mikaela Davis ....

Every once in a while we have to look up to heaven and ask the Lord to give us faith in Him one more time....give us strength is our weakest moments...remind us that He's there and He's strong enough to carry us through...prove to us that He won't fail.

Lord today I pray that you will give, remind, and prove.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WtxkISKW0c
Give Me Faith /He Will Never Fail Me Declaration

Verse:

I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes To see that You're shaping my life

Pre-Chorus:

All I am, I surrender

Chorus: Give me faith to trust what you say

That you're good and your love is great I'm broken inside,

I give you my life

Verse 2:

I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark And cleanse every part of me

Bridge:

I may be weak

Your spirits' strong in me

My flesh may fail

But, my God you never will

  Mikaela Davis

Arrangements and an array of thoughts...

Its been a hard few days & I feel like the worst days are still to come. Chris & I have purposefully kept ourselves busy with tasks so that we can evade the reality for as long as possible. I wrote the obituary for the newspaper & ensured that it would make tomorrows paper. I created the program to distribute at the graveside service.  Chris & I comfirmed participants for the program. We took clothes to the mortuary.

Tomorrow we will see our precious Israel Grayson for the last time. We will have a graveside service on Tuesday @ 2pm . I just don’t know how many more goodbyes our hearts can take. My prayer tonight was simple, "Dear God, Please do not give us any more gifts in the form of children that we cannot keep...love Chris & Tanika!  Amen"

I just can’t wrap my mind around all of this. HOW much exactly can we take to show the world that despite everything, we still trust God? Was losing 3 daughters not enough??? I'm rambling but these are the thoughts weighing on my mind tonight. I don’t want to be strong; We want to be an active, loving parents to Israel Grayson just like we are to Ethan....even if we have to be weak!

In spite of all of the darkness, our precious Ethan forces us to live and to face life.  Something about his smile and those deep brown eyes demand that we move beyond ourselves and give him the love and attention that he still needs and deserves.  When I carried him, I prayed that his life would be a source of encouragement & that his mere existence would compel people to believe & trust God again. I never knew that he would be the prescribed medicine in the form of encouragement for Chris & I.  He truly is the LIGHT in our lives. We’ve held him longer, squeezed him tighter, and said “I love you” more in these last few days. We really are so incredibly blessed to have him.

Saturday's Update

We left the hospital Saturday afternoon about 2pm.  MY GOD, what a difficult departure.  Late Friday night, I sent Israel to the morgue just so Chris & I could spend some time talking about our feelings.  I wanted to make sure that HE knew that I recognized that he was grieving and may just need to talk. People always are concerned about me but I feel like he can be overlooked. HE and Ethan are MY #1 priority!

The nurse brought Israel back  to the room about 4am after I had some much needed sleep.  I placed him upon my chest and just savored the moment. I didn’t say much to him. I just wanted to take in each second. I couldn’t think about what was to come. All that mattered in that moment was that my precious boy was with me. I placed his tiny hands upon my chest, closed my eyes, and drifted to a place where there was no tears or sorrow.

 The sun rose on Saturday morning and the day started with Israel….that was our last sunrise together~  I held him for most of the day and hoped that my OB took his time coming to discharge me. Thankfully, we had no visitors on Saturday except for the nurses on the floor so, Chris & I had all of the time that we needed. Until, the nurse came in to announce, “ Dr. R. called and will be here in about 30 minutes”.  Oh how my heart raced! I longed for another hour…another night perhaps! I sang “our” song to him. It was a song  that heard in church one Sunday by our musical guest, Leon Timbo. Something about the  words just seemed so right and the reason that Leon wrote the song moved my heart.  His friend was diagnosed with CHF and  not given long to live. He and his wife desperately wanted children but could never have them so they adopted.  He received this shattering news shortly after the completion of the adoption.  ( or something VERY similar to that) He wanted to ensure that in the event that he passed away prematurely, his daughter would know that he was with her forever.

 I’d sing this to Israel Grayson often.

 The lyrics are…

“Forever”

Love always sees you

Even when you’re not looking

And Oh love comes thru when faith needs healing

Love always knows truth even when you struggle

And I will never miss a moment and it makes us one forever!

 There is a video of this on YouTube but it  just doesn’t do the song justice!

 I realized that although Israel would never see US as his eyes were closed at birth, our love would see him. Our love for each other and for him would bring healing to our broken faith. Perhaps it was love that prompted me to check the Doppler at 1130 Tuesday night as he struggled alone & in silence. Although, we have missed and will miss many more moments, we are ONE….FOREVER!  Thank you Leon Timbo for these words!

I asked Israel to kiss Destiny, Briauna, & Madison for us and tell them how much we love & miss them.  It comforts us to know that he won’t be alone there. I’m sure the girls and my Grandmas will take good care of him.

My warm tears flowed down his small, cold face.  I wished that my tears had the power to revive him and refresh his life!

There we stood, Chris, Israel, & I in room 424. We held each other tightly & Israel between us. What a moment!  I wish it could be forever.

Fridays update

Fridays update

Thanks again everyone. Today has been such a special day. Israel received such a display of love from his 3 grandparents, Aunties, and my co-workers. We had professional pictures taken (very similar to NILMDTS) and we already have our photo CD back as well as prints from the Nurse and from the O.R. because OB wanted us to see how the cord was around his neck & arm.

I am still in the hospital & will be discharged in the morning. Initially, I was set & sure that I was going home tonight so we'd be home Ethan...until I realized that equaled no more nights with Israel Grayson. I need more night to snuggle w/ my baby boy. He slept on my chest until 3am...it was the best of times!

Thursdays update

Thursdays update

Our hearts are completely overwhelmed with the display of love & thoughtfulness. We KNOW that a multitude of precious people have sincerely prayed for us..... Thank you. We can feel them. As I held Israel tonight, not a tear flowed from my eyes. Everything was perfect in that euphoric moment. Israel was born shortly after 6pm & weighs 6lbs 4oz. He’s perfect! We now know that he suffered demise due to a very tightly wrapped cord around his neck & arm. Although we are relieved in knowing, it hurts just as much knowing that he had such a painful transition.

I have 4 ANGELS......

I'm without words....my precious Israel Grayson has joined his 3 sisters in heaven yesterday. U/S looked perfect..I listened to his heartbeat at 1130 Tuesday night....I just dont know what happened. I had a routine OV at 940 yesterday & nurse could not find his heartbeat.  I told her that I had JUST listened to him at 1130 buthe was really low. The Dr. tried...NO LUCK.I was sent to the next exam room for u/s and I could not see the heartbeat or ANY movement.  OB sent me accross the street to my high risk ob for detailed u/s.  I couldn't look at the screen. I only heard, "I'm so sorry"....

Chris & I are heartbroken, shocked, & angry....we were so close to bringing him home. Thanks so much for ur continued prayers.

 We will be admitted for csection today @2 for a 4pm c-section.

I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

We celebrated the 4th birthday of my twin niece & nephew tonight. They TRULY are miracle babies born at 28 weeks and weighing 1.3 and 1.7lbs.  Although I was happy to be at the party, I had to keep my mind from drifting back to this very night 4 years ago as I stood in the operating room with my sister in law as the twins were delivered via emergency c-section due to preeclampsia.

 On 12/5/07 I was 16 weeks & 4 days pregnant with our 1^st daughter, Destiny Almaray. As I stood up from my desk to go to the restroom one last time for the day, my water broke as I hurriedly tried to make it to the bathroom without a big scene. I thought to myself, “this baby MUST be on my bladder”. It was my 1^st pregnancy &everything was so perfect. I had no reason to believe that the gush of fluid was anything to worry about…but I did. I made it to my car & called the OB’s office and explained what happened.  The nurse, Angela felt pretty sure that it was NOT my water breaking since I was only 16 weeks.  I was advised to go home & rest and to call back to the office if I had any further episodes. I hung up the phone and called my Moma. She could hear the concern & uncertainty in my voice. She tried to reassure me that things were okay. I couldn’t hold back the tears, I just felt like something was wrong.

I called my husband & told him what happened and he laughed & though that I just had a weak bladder due to pregnancy & had peed on myself. (MEN)  I made it home and he could tell by my emotions that this was NO laughing matter.

I didn’t sleep much that night as I wondered what was going on inside my body.

 The next day, I went to work and didn’t say a word to anyone about the events from the previous day. I researched things online but everything increased my anxiety. I finally called my cousin, “JW” who is a midwife/Ob in Delaware.  She heard my concern and finally someone understood the reason for my heightened awareness.

Just as I was about to call my OB to say, “I think my water really did break”, I received a call  from my husband stating that my sister in law was taken from her OB’s office directly to the hospital for emergency c-section. He wanted to know if I could go & be with her since I was closest to the hospital. I tucked my issues away & ran to her aid.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, she was being prepped for surgery & no one else was there. I helped get her prepped & she was wheeled off to the  OR.  I was given scrubs to put on & told where to wait until they were ready for me. My heart raced and my hands  were drenched with sweat. There I was with a 16 week belly walking into the OR to see my tiny niece & nephew enter the world early.  I stood at the holding area, pacing the floor and praying that they would be okay.

In less than 10 minutes, both twins were delivered successfully.  We heard very faint cries from both of them but they were alive.  The nurses swaddled them and flashed them before our faces and rushed them to the NICU.  That was the first & last time that I would see them in the hospital. The family was in the waiting room anxiously awaiting details of the twins births. I shared the details and them my MIL & her friend laughed about me peeing on myself the day before .

The next day (12/8)  I went to see my OB and my worst feelings were confirmed. I had PROM ( premature rupture of membranes….water breaking) and was admitted to the hospital. The prognosis was GRIM and all we could hope for was a miracle.

Tonight’s celebration just brought back a lot of the feelings from 4 years ago. There I was again, with a baby in my stomach & hoping that everything is okay with Baby Israel Grayson.  I'm also thinking...I should be having a party for my 4 year old. I should have never known the feeling and despair of loss. I celebrate and I grieve in the same moment.

Destiny will be 4 on 12/19 and I am torn. My c-section is scheduled for 12/16. That is really close. What if I am still in the hospital on 12/19???? How can I celebrate the joy of a 3 day old baby and long for a 4 year old at the same time.

I just feel some kind of way!!!!!