I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

We celebrated the 4th birthday of my twin niece & nephew tonight. They TRULY are miracle babies born at 28 weeks and weighing 1.3 and 1.7lbs.  Although I was happy to be at the party, I had to keep my mind from drifting back to this very night 4 years ago as I stood in the operating room with my sister in law as the twins were delivered via emergency c-section due to preeclampsia.

 On 12/5/07 I was 16 weeks & 4 days pregnant with our 1^st daughter, Destiny Almaray. As I stood up from my desk to go to the restroom one last time for the day, my water broke as I hurriedly tried to make it to the bathroom without a big scene. I thought to myself, “this baby MUST be on my bladder”. It was my 1^st pregnancy &everything was so perfect. I had no reason to believe that the gush of fluid was anything to worry about…but I did. I made it to my car & called the OB’s office and explained what happened.  The nurse, Angela felt pretty sure that it was NOT my water breaking since I was only 16 weeks.  I was advised to go home & rest and to call back to the office if I had any further episodes. I hung up the phone and called my Moma. She could hear the concern & uncertainty in my voice. She tried to reassure me that things were okay. I couldn’t hold back the tears, I just felt like something was wrong.

I called my husband & told him what happened and he laughed & though that I just had a weak bladder due to pregnancy & had peed on myself. (MEN)  I made it home and he could tell by my emotions that this was NO laughing matter.

I didn’t sleep much that night as I wondered what was going on inside my body.

 The next day, I went to work and didn’t say a word to anyone about the events from the previous day. I researched things online but everything increased my anxiety. I finally called my cousin, “JW” who is a midwife/Ob in Delaware.  She heard my concern and finally someone understood the reason for my heightened awareness.

Just as I was about to call my OB to say, “I think my water really did break”, I received a call  from my husband stating that my sister in law was taken from her OB’s office directly to the hospital for emergency c-section. He wanted to know if I could go & be with her since I was closest to the hospital. I tucked my issues away & ran to her aid.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, she was being prepped for surgery & no one else was there. I helped get her prepped & she was wheeled off to the  OR.  I was given scrubs to put on & told where to wait until they were ready for me. My heart raced and my hands  were drenched with sweat. There I was with a 16 week belly walking into the OR to see my tiny niece & nephew enter the world early.  I stood at the holding area, pacing the floor and praying that they would be okay.

In less than 10 minutes, both twins were delivered successfully.  We heard very faint cries from both of them but they were alive.  The nurses swaddled them and flashed them before our faces and rushed them to the NICU.  That was the first & last time that I would see them in the hospital. The family was in the waiting room anxiously awaiting details of the twins births. I shared the details and them my MIL & her friend laughed about me peeing on myself the day before .

The next day (12/8)  I went to see my OB and my worst feelings were confirmed. I had PROM ( premature rupture of membranes….water breaking) and was admitted to the hospital. The prognosis was GRIM and all we could hope for was a miracle.

Tonight’s celebration just brought back a lot of the feelings from 4 years ago. There I was again, with a baby in my stomach & hoping that everything is okay with Baby Israel Grayson.  I'm also thinking...I should be having a party for my 4 year old. I should have never known the feeling and despair of loss. I celebrate and I grieve in the same moment.

Destiny will be 4 on 12/19 and I am torn. My c-section is scheduled for 12/16. That is really close. What if I am still in the hospital on 12/19???? How can I celebrate the joy of a 3 day old baby and long for a 4 year old at the same time.

I just feel some kind of way!!!!!