Heavy Sighs & silent screams!
I STILL cannot wrap my mind around this nightmare. WE WERE SOOOO CLOSE to bringing Israel Grayson home with us!
I’m mad and I’m angry! ( I know…it’s the normal stages of grief)
I am going thru the motions of being okay but I hurt deeply & I feel so at fault for the pain that Chris & I feel. I should have felt the struggle or SOMETHING!
Thursday night, I felt anger and bitterness overtaking me. I was mad that I wasn’t packing the hospital bag or double checking Ethan’s bag to go to the sitter &daycare. We were supposed to be happy on Thursday. That was to be our last night in this house as a family of three. HEAVY SIGH!
Yesterday ( Friday) was an extremely hard day, filled with much anxiety & intense pain of what should have been the celebration of Israel’s birthday. I made an honest attempt to be “normal” yesterday and failed miserably within minutes. I kept telling myself that I'm delaying my grief so that Chris doesn’t feel the need to be strong for me. I have 8 weeks to grieve but he needs this time to grieve and I want to be (not strong) but emotionally stable to support him and offer my shoulder for him to lean on. I got out of bed after he came home from taking Ethan to daycare. My plan was converse about his thoughts & feelings, make him breakfast if he were up for eating and just be near him.
I couldn’t. My will and my emotions were out of sync. I sat on the couch and asked a few questions and I could feel the angst and hollowness raging in my soul like a category V hurricane. My mind was at the hospital. I wanted to be in OR#2. I wanted to hear Grayson release a vibrant scream and announce his arrival. I wanted to hear “Congratulations, he’s beautiful” . I wanted to see Chris smile like he did when Ethan was born. I wanted Chris to be happy. We were not supposed to be at home with the curtains drawn…
INSERT SILENT SCREAMS!!!!!!
I made an about-face and returned to our bedroom. I stared at the ceiling fan. I stared at the window. I envisioned how the day should have been and with each thought, I was submerged deeper in sorrow.
Tanika, I'm praying nonstop for you. My heart hurts just knowing that you hurt so much. I hope that you're finding some comfort from our Almighty.
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA ... I am so, so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your angel.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so, so sorry to hear about your family's loss. ((((Hugs)))))
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Sending your family peace and love--my thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteI also found you through LFCA. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteSissy,
ReplyDeleteAs you can see Sissy, even through this difficult and painful times for you and Chris, God has an army of people praying for all of you. Have people that have unconditional love for you and are morning with you the loss of Israel.
Cry, Tanika, cry, scream, be angry, be vulnerable until you can't no more, but always ask God to not let go of you, to hold you down and filled you with his love, mercy and kindness. He knows that you & Chris are terribly hurt, but he is also our source of healing. you have your beautiful baby Ethan that even though he is small and might not understand what is going on, he needs you to keep on. I really believe that Ethan is the instrument that God is using to keep you and Chris strong, because I am sure that otherwise it will be even more difficult to keep going on. With every kiss, hugs, cries, running around, dancing waking him up, putting him in bed, changing his diapers, giving him a bath and so forth God is showing you that he loves you and it is also part of the healing process.
In this moments sometimes you might want to be left alone, and even if physically no one is with you, God is with you and you will never be completely alone because one of God's promises to all of us is that he will never leave you nor forsake you, He will be with you until the very end...Reach out and touch the seam of his robe and you will see that virtue will pour out and heal you hurting heart.
Love you always,
Ivette