Saturday's Update

We left the hospital Saturday afternoon about 2pm.  MY GOD, what a difficult departure.  Late Friday night, I sent Israel to the morgue just so Chris & I could spend some time talking about our feelings.  I wanted to make sure that HE knew that I recognized that he was grieving and may just need to talk. People always are concerned about me but I feel like he can be overlooked. HE and Ethan are MY #1 priority!

The nurse brought Israel back  to the room about 4am after I had some much needed sleep.  I placed him upon my chest and just savored the moment. I didn’t say much to him. I just wanted to take in each second. I couldn’t think about what was to come. All that mattered in that moment was that my precious boy was with me. I placed his tiny hands upon my chest, closed my eyes, and drifted to a place where there was no tears or sorrow.

 The sun rose on Saturday morning and the day started with Israel….that was our last sunrise together~  I held him for most of the day and hoped that my OB took his time coming to discharge me. Thankfully, we had no visitors on Saturday except for the nurses on the floor so, Chris & I had all of the time that we needed. Until, the nurse came in to announce, “ Dr. R. called and will be here in about 30 minutes”.  Oh how my heart raced! I longed for another hour…another night perhaps! I sang “our” song to him. It was a song  that heard in church one Sunday by our musical guest, Leon Timbo. Something about the  words just seemed so right and the reason that Leon wrote the song moved my heart.  His friend was diagnosed with CHF and  not given long to live. He and his wife desperately wanted children but could never have them so they adopted.  He received this shattering news shortly after the completion of the adoption.  ( or something VERY similar to that) He wanted to ensure that in the event that he passed away prematurely, his daughter would know that he was with her forever.

 I’d sing this to Israel Grayson often.

 The lyrics are…

“Forever”

Love always sees you

Even when you’re not looking

And Oh love comes thru when faith needs healing

Love always knows truth even when you struggle

And I will never miss a moment and it makes us one forever!

 There is a video of this on YouTube but it  just doesn’t do the song justice!

 I realized that although Israel would never see US as his eyes were closed at birth, our love would see him. Our love for each other and for him would bring healing to our broken faith. Perhaps it was love that prompted me to check the Doppler at 1130 Tuesday night as he struggled alone & in silence. Although, we have missed and will miss many more moments, we are ONE….FOREVER!  Thank you Leon Timbo for these words!

I asked Israel to kiss Destiny, Briauna, & Madison for us and tell them how much we love & miss them.  It comforts us to know that he won’t be alone there. I’m sure the girls and my Grandmas will take good care of him.

My warm tears flowed down his small, cold face.  I wished that my tears had the power to revive him and refresh his life!

There we stood, Chris, Israel, & I in room 424. We held each other tightly & Israel between us. What a moment!  I wish it could be forever.