This is not what I wanted to tell you....

If anyone should ever write, my life story.For whatever reason there might be (that's a line from an old James Cleveland song) …..they would never have imagined that we would be remotely talking about having a 3rd miscarriage. Unfortunately, the words that you are reading are painfully true. Our sweet Madison Noelle was born on Thursday morning ( 7/30) at 3:10 am. Our tiny miracle had the cord tightly wrapped around her neck BUT..she lived until 10:50 am. The doctors and nurses were astonished because the lungs of a 19 week old baby are not compatible with life ( by their knowledge), thus no heroic measures could be done to save her. The medical staff just stood by quietly waiting for her to take her last breath….. after about 25 minutes they left in amazement. Indeed, Madison was a fighter! When her breathing would get a little shallow I would breathe on her and say “ LIVE MADISON” and she quickly responded. She was held and loved EVERY minute of her life. We made sure to tell her of our love for her, sing to her, and simply ask her to kiss her sisters, Destiny and Briauna for us. If any of you know my Moma, you know that her grand kids are her #1 joy. So, Madison had a whopping dose of the infamous “BABY TALK” that only she can do.. ;0).

In a previous post I stated that Madison would look like me and act like Chris….I was wrong…SHE WAS ALL CHRIS!!! The only thing she had from me was long legs, feet, and fingers. She had the line in Chris’ forehead, his head, and the dimple in his chin…I just carried her…:0) but what an honor to carry such tenacious life from an incredible seed of an awesome man.

Our bittersweet Hello/goodbye touched Chris and I to the very core of our being. Everything that we thought we knew about God has been challenged and we still have sooo many questions that are unanswered. The more we seek answers the more frustrated we become. We’ve heard ALLLLLL of the religious clichés and cannot take another one. I think we have also heard ALLLL of the sympathy imaginable with the losses of Destiny and Briauna…can’t take any more of that either. One thing I am sure of is a clause in John 16:33…. In the world you have trouble. Can I just insert THREE check marks beside that clause, please???. The remainder of the scripture says but have confidence ( or be of good cheer) I have overcome the world. Confidence and Cheer are not what we feel at the moment. Please understand clearly….WE ARE NOT LEAVING GOD ( we have no where else to go) ….We are having a HUMAN EXPERIENCE and it’s tough. Trying to wrap our minds around the reason for 3 perfect little girls to be given to us and snatched away from our reach because of my flawed body is simply unfathomable and seemingly unfair.

The sad reality of leaving the hospital today with yet another memory box and no baby was more than we wanted to handle. Our 1st trip after leaving the hospital was to the mortuary to make arrangements for Madison’s cremation. That just doesn’t seem right..we should have been hurrying home with her in December to get her ready for her 1st Christmas. Sigh..sigh…deep sigh….

Despite the outcome, we have to thank all of you who have labored in prayer for us, made yourself available to us, encouraged us, shared this human experience with us or any other action. We are thankful for you. We don’t know what to say and we don’t want you to feel like to have to say anything more to comfort us. Although we have chosen not to receive company or take phone calls right now, know that we indeed feel the love and prayers for us and we are deeply touched and moved to tears by your heartfelt compassion.

OB update 7.23

7/23 update..I didn't get the news that I expected today. My cervix has shortened . Madison is sitting directly on the cervix which is 8 additional oz of pressure that we do not need. Thankfully the stitch is still in place and doing exactly what we need it to do. I was just much tooo emotional today because I didn't expect to see I changes since the cerclage is working so well. So without a doubt I am resting and getting up to potty and shower only. I have not had any contractions since Friday...THANK GOD. I will start home monitoring ( for contractions) tomorrow if the case mgr can work it all out. Chris and I have called in the troops ( family & friends) to help us out. I just feel like I'm loosing control!!!! Thank you to all of you who have offered to give of yourself and your time to assist us. Tanya is working on a schedule for meals, grocery shopping, etc. If you want help, please let me know and I can forward your contact information on to her. Please know from the onset that we appreciate everything that folks do for us. I know that we will need alot of help along the way and I cry just thinking about it all.
I have some new pics of Baby Madison , most of them are of arms, legs, & butt but here is a good one of her face...shes doing great!

Amazing love

I have a lot of extra time on my hands these days,,,,:0) I had a quiet moment to think about the little things in life that we take for granted and for the things that I am thankful for.. Here’s just a few…
· Anyone who knows me can confirm that one of my greatest joys in life is loving and taking care of my wonderful husband. HE’S spoiled and we both know that. :0) I wouldn’t have it any other way. As I laid in the hospital bed for 4 days and Chris slept on the couch ( which seemed miles away) I remembered how thankful I am to lay beside me each night….I am thankful for his gentle hand that holds me, comforts me thru the scary moments of this journey, and not only being my husband but also my friend. ( SNIF, SNIF)
· I am thankful for my family. My Mom has been with us thru the most difficult days and she is so committed to just being where I am. She is a natural servant and shes not going to rest until she’s able to do SOMETHING…ANYTHING for Chris and I. Some days I cry when I think of her generosity and other days I just want to be able to do things for myself. Assuredly, the next 20 weeks will teach me to lay aside my pride and how to exhibit humility.
· I am thankful for the peace of God….NOTHING…. absolutely NOTHING compares to it. I love the way our God works. I woke up yesterday morning and just wanted to be quiet before the Lord and rest in Him….I eventually fell back off to sleep and I’m so glad that I did. I began to dream of a church service and I was right in the midst of an awesome praise and worship experience. Its amazing to hear the melodies of heaven. I woke up and immediately wrote down the words to the song and I just had to Thank God for being mindful of me and this amazing journey. With each pregnancy I dream more than ever and I always hear fresh new songs….I think God is being very strategic in this bed rest assignment. I think He has called a divine rest and time out for my spirit so that I can hear from Him in a greater way. STAY TUNED…

Anyway…take the time today to reflect on the simple pleasures of life and thank God for them. Love with all of your heart…love until the love that you give and the love that you receive amazes you!

Happy Birthday Briauna ( 7.21.08)

Happy Birthday Briauna!

Its hard to believe that one year ago I birthed a perfect sleeping angel. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the joy that Briauna brought to our lives in the short 17weeks and 1 day that we knew of her existence. I know that heaven is celebrating the wonderful gift that we released to heaven today and so we also celebrate here on earth. We’ll hold you in heaven…Happy Birthday sweet Angel! We love you…

THANKFUL for making it thru a scary weekend

here's the scoop....
I saw a small amount of d/c on Friday ( which is how my m/c started last year) and called the on call RN who advised me to come in just to be checked. I am so glad that I did. I was having contractions 2-3 minutes apart and FELT NOTHING AT ALLL. After 2 shots of meds the contractions stopped and I've just been here at the hospital for monitoring and for antibiotics. I had a UTI, which could have been the cause of the contractions or it could have been my 3 fibroids aggravating the uterus. My cervix was perfect and the cerclage is still in place and working great. This was just a REALLY scary weekend since tomorrow is exactly 1 yr since my last miscarriage. Madison is fine and busy as ever and we should be discharged tomorrow. I just thank God for his awesome power and grace. We are staying in faith and being reminded of Gods word and his promise to us!!!!

Israel Houghton sings “ where would I be if not for your grace…carrying me in every season…where would I be if not for your grace…you came to my rescue and I want to thank you for your grace….


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pahwV5mwK40
PSALMS
PSALM 46
God is our refuge and strength—He dwells in his city, doeth marvelous things, and saith: Be still and know that I am God.
1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
4 There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
6 The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
7 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
8 Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
9 He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

5 months and pics of a very shy Baby Madison

What a wonderful journey…..I feel love in a whole new way. As of today, we are 5 months pregnant. WOW! I can’t help but to thank God everyday. Baby Madison is such an active lil kid. Who knew that a 5-7oz baby could cause such a ruckus inside of me. This however is not a complaint by any means. I love feeling her little kicks and movements. We have made it thru 2 milestones in this pregnancy, so each day is cause fro celebration. My weekly OB visit yesterday a was GREAT! There was an U/s Tech student in training and I got to be the lab rat! This means there were extras in store for me….I had may usual pelvicu/s to check my cervix and then a regular u/s. The teacher and the tech were trying to get Madison to cooperate with them but she wanted to have NO parts of it so she laid face down for most of the 30 minute u/s. She did flip around occasionally and we could see her face perfectly…as soon as the tech tried to capture the image she moved her tiny hand in front of her face. Didn’t I tell ya that she was gonna act like her daddy!!! She’s already started ..:0) I have some really good 3d u/s pics , regular pics ( about 15 total), and a video. A few of the pics are posted so that you can see how Miss Madison misbehaves.

It seems totally amazing to me to feel such love for someone that I’ve never touched..never held…I can only imagine how this love intensifies after she is born.

I think she's saying....NO Photos, please!!!!

It's A........ ( Drum roll please!!!!!)

...(another) healthy baby girl! Madison was VERY active today during the ultrasound. Who knew that a 5oz baby could do so much moving around??? I think she was trying to show off for her Daddy. As always she had her legs crossed and the hand over her forehead (see pic #3). It's so cute. I can already tell that she's going to act like her Daddy. Chris usually sleeps with his hand behind his head, so my thought is that she'll act like him and look like me. Otherwise, my cervix looks pretty good. It measured 3.2cm in length. The measurement 2 weeks ago was 3.6 cm. There is a slight decrease but it's still within the normal range. If cervix shortens to 2.5-2.7 then it's time for bed rest. Everything else was good and I'll be back in the office next week for another cervical measurement. Did I mention b4 that I really do like all of these visits to see my OB??? :0) He also gave me a prescription for the fire of hell (AKA... heartburn)that seems visit my chest EVERY night. I tried the Zantac but it doesn't extinguish the flame. Lets hope this works. Chris and I are so happy . I am ready to start shopping for furniture for the nursery & decorating. I already have a few things that I bought just because I KNEW that this baby was a girl. CHRIS, please get the check book ready...It's ON!!!

Saying a prayer for all of my friends far & near who are TTC and for those who are expecting. BIG hugs!

Belly pics

Hey!

So, I finally took a few pics. I am not sure what happened but I used to really enjoy taking pics.... Well, all of that has changed. Between the extra oil on my face and an ever growing body, I'd rather be behind the camera rather than in front of it. Nevertheless, I am grateful to be carrying such a wonderful gift from God. We have an appointment with the high risk OB tomorrow and hopefully I will have some news to report on the gender. As you can see in the pics, I am carrying really high. The old tale is, if you carry high its a girl and low its a boy. Surprisingly, that proved true with Destiny & Briauna. We'll just have to see if the 3rd time is the same. I should have some pics to post tomorrow.

have a great day!

Tanika