This is not what I wanted to tell you....

If anyone should ever write, my life story.For whatever reason there might be (that's a line from an old James Cleveland song) …..they would never have imagined that we would be remotely talking about having a 3rd miscarriage. Unfortunately, the words that you are reading are painfully true. Our sweet Madison Noelle was born on Thursday morning ( 7/30) at 3:10 am. Our tiny miracle had the cord tightly wrapped around her neck BUT..she lived until 10:50 am. The doctors and nurses were astonished because the lungs of a 19 week old baby are not compatible with life ( by their knowledge), thus no heroic measures could be done to save her. The medical staff just stood by quietly waiting for her to take her last breath….. after about 25 minutes they left in amazement. Indeed, Madison was a fighter! When her breathing would get a little shallow I would breathe on her and say “ LIVE MADISON” and she quickly responded. She was held and loved EVERY minute of her life. We made sure to tell her of our love for her, sing to her, and simply ask her to kiss her sisters, Destiny and Briauna for us. If any of you know my Moma, you know that her grand kids are her #1 joy. So, Madison had a whopping dose of the infamous “BABY TALK” that only she can do.. ;0).

In a previous post I stated that Madison would look like me and act like Chris….I was wrong…SHE WAS ALL CHRIS!!! The only thing she had from me was long legs, feet, and fingers. She had the line in Chris’ forehead, his head, and the dimple in his chin…I just carried her…:0) but what an honor to carry such tenacious life from an incredible seed of an awesome man.

Our bittersweet Hello/goodbye touched Chris and I to the very core of our being. Everything that we thought we knew about God has been challenged and we still have sooo many questions that are unanswered. The more we seek answers the more frustrated we become. We’ve heard ALLLLLL of the religious clichés and cannot take another one. I think we have also heard ALLLL of the sympathy imaginable with the losses of Destiny and Briauna…can’t take any more of that either. One thing I am sure of is a clause in John 16:33…. In the world you have trouble. Can I just insert THREE check marks beside that clause, please???. The remainder of the scripture says but have confidence ( or be of good cheer) I have overcome the world. Confidence and Cheer are not what we feel at the moment. Please understand clearly….WE ARE NOT LEAVING GOD ( we have no where else to go) ….We are having a HUMAN EXPERIENCE and it’s tough. Trying to wrap our minds around the reason for 3 perfect little girls to be given to us and snatched away from our reach because of my flawed body is simply unfathomable and seemingly unfair.

The sad reality of leaving the hospital today with yet another memory box and no baby was more than we wanted to handle. Our 1st trip after leaving the hospital was to the mortuary to make arrangements for Madison’s cremation. That just doesn’t seem right..we should have been hurrying home with her in December to get her ready for her 1st Christmas. Sigh..sigh…deep sigh….

Despite the outcome, we have to thank all of you who have labored in prayer for us, made yourself available to us, encouraged us, shared this human experience with us or any other action. We are thankful for you. We don’t know what to say and we don’t want you to feel like to have to say anything more to comfort us. Although we have chosen not to receive company or take phone calls right now, know that we indeed feel the love and prayers for us and we are deeply touched and moved to tears by your heartfelt compassion.