Christmas Eve and a not so silent night

I’ve tried to update this blog several times over the past week but nothing has changed.  We are STILL angry.  We are STILL mad.  We still hurt. I desperately want to be better.  I’d like to have a day without crying or a night of non medicated peaceful sleep. I just want this to be better.  As much as I’ve tried to “hold it together” and “take it one day at a time” for the past few weeks, I can feel the very fibers of my soul beginning to unravel. I’m crying more and my anger has increased. I’m so angry at the situation that the anger overtakes my grief of Israel himself. I’m angry with myself and I’m angry with God somewhat. I just have so many questions for Him when we meet face to face. WHY does God think we are strong? WHY do we need to be acquainted with grief?

I visited Israel’s grave alone yesterday. ABSOLUTE meltdown.  I had been in somewhat of a “funk” all morning and I knew that I needed some time alone. Chris took Ethan to get a hair cut and I rushed to my Grayson boy.  It was Christmas Eve and the day that marked the 40^th week of pregnancy. Had we never been exposed to an incompetent cervix, premature rupture of membranes, and miscarriage, this would have been our official due date. 

All of the tears that I held back & swallowed at his graveside service and when Chris & I visited last Tuesday freely flowed as I thought about what should have been.  I either should have had a one week old baby at home or should have been laboring in the hospital.  I still had Daddy’s handkerchief that he used to wipe my face with at the service. I saturated the cloth with tears just knowing “what should have been” would never be. 

I wanted to leave something there with him. However, nothing of any significance came to mind other than our song…

My mind raced.  I wanted to hold him one more time. My heart pounded. I thought of how cold I was standing at his grave. I wept when I thought of his cold body underground. I wanted him. If only exhuming his body was not a crime…

I left and headed to the mall. I KNEW that I was setting myself up for failure but I knew that I had to have some time alone. I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes cleaning up my face and applying make up.  The moment I get out of my car, I see my dear friend Dana.  Tears immediately start.  We had a good conversation and another good cry and I made my way in the mall. I felt so paranoid.  I kept looking around in hopes that I only saw unfamiliar faces. 

I had to go to two stores to return clothes that I had purchased for Grayson. I silently prayed that the cashiers did not ask me the reason for return. Thankfully, the return process was uneventful.  I did run into more familiar faces than I wanted to. Who was I kidding; everyone was out shopping on Christmas Eve.  Of all the faces that I saw, the one that “got” me was Herb. He is the embalmer at the funeral home.  I kept Daddy’s handkerchief close and used it as often as necessary.

 The day did get better. Following dinner, we played with Ethan and I spontaneously suggested that we take a late night drive to see Christmas lights.  We got Ethan dressed in his new one piece- feet in Pj’s and headed out the door.  We rode thru neighborhoods looking at the lights.  I sat in the back with Ethan and took him out of the car seat. He was in my lap  with his face & hands smashed against the window.   He continued to repeat “oohhhhh” , “ Wow”  and “ Star”  as he gazed at the lights.   When his eyes started to get heavy, I put him back in his seat and I returned to the passenger seat. He was asleep in no time.  Chris and I continued to drive and talk. This was such a great outing for us.  I believe we’ve added a new tradition to the list.

We put Ethan to bed, ate Santa’s cookies, and pulled out Ethan’s toys.

We got into bed a little before 1am. I was exhausted but I could not sleep because my mind raced.  About 1:30am I asked Chris, “Why are YOU still awake” ? His answer, broke my heart.  He was longing for his boy!  Although this was not his response to my question I heard the depth of sorrow in his voice. Just when I thought my heart couldn’t heart anymore, it did.  I hurt for Chris. Oh my God, did I hurt for him.

 I actually had to get out of bed and go sit on the toilet.  I literally felt nauseous. This was anything but a silent night....

Ethan also woke up (again) about 3am screaming with a nightmare (or something). This has been happening about 3x’s/week since we’ve been home from the hospital, I wonder what is going on inside his little mind & spirit.