Grief 1.0

Grief 1.0

I had planned to "allow" myself to grieve yesterday. I've tried to suppress my emotions so that Chris didn’t have to see me cry everyday. So, if he wanted to be happy & go out to lunch/ dinner I made myself do that for him. I knew that I have until February to sort thru my emotions before heading back to work. ( That’s a WHOLE new chapter of anxiety that I will write about later….” The Black Cloud Returns…. yet again”)
I thought that I’d be sad yesterday...UNTIL Ethan work up at 0:30 DARK  (which never happens) and was awake until 630am. Not sure if he was sensitive Chris' emotions & needed to see him b4 he left for work or what. He threw up in our bed ( not sick at all..he drank milk & jumped around like a monkey & then threw it all up on the sheets & comforter).  After changing the bed & starting laundry we were able to sleep until 10am. :0)

There was an issue with parts at Chris’ job therefore, he was back at home by 1:00. So, my plan to allow myself to grieve just didn’t happen. Today has been a little different. After Chris left, I had a good cry. Israel's wake up time was usually in sync with Chris’ alarm clock. Most days as Chris prayed over us before he left, Israel would respond to Chris with movement.Today, there was NOTHING but memories.  One day,I'll be able to remember and smile but today,I remember and cry. I had been medicating myself so that I would sleep thru the night so that I would not have these reminders.  Now that Chris is back to work, I have to ( by my own choosing)  be up with him. The memories of his tiny feet kicking my sides & the stillness of the morning are simply painful...too painful to remember and yet  too priceless to forget.