STAY IN THE MOMENT

STAY IN THE MOMENT

My memory is like an elephant. There are very few things that I forget.  I still remember old phone numbers ( that are no longer in service), dates of events, conversations, etc.  Memorization works well when I am reminding Chris that he forgot to do something that I asked him to do Tuesday at 5:48pm. I am sure the he HATES this talent that I have come to love.

Yesterday was my first Sunday attending church since Grayson’s birth. Needless to say, I had a great deal of anxiety.  I have been out to the mall, grocery stores, etc and had my bouts of anxiety and hoped that I would not see any familiar faces. However, I was returning to a familiar place with familiar people and most of them knew our story.  Chris went back to church for the 1^st time on 1/8 and one of the guys asked him, “ How’s your wife &  the new baby doing”?  He had not heard the news in a month that we were absent from church.   The guy just thought that Chris was at home taking care of his family. He apologized to Chris but clearly, he didn’t know.

I wanted to make sure that I returned to church 1. Because I needed to be there for my own spiritual growth and 2. I didn’t want Chris to be alone if others didn’t know. I thought maybe if Ethan & I returned and people didn’t see us with a newborn, then no one would ask “where ( or How)  is the baby”?

 I gave myself a good “talk” on the drive to church. I reminded myself to “stay in the moment…don’t think about what was…don’t think about what should be right now…just stay in the moment”… and most importantly…”Don’t cry”!  In my mind, I kept saying,” I shouldn’t be going to church, I should be home with a newborn….or the last time I was at church I was carrying Grayson and it was the day of his baby shower”  Now, do you see why I needed to stay in the moment?

We made a quick entry thru side door of the sanctuary and sat further back that normal.  STAY IN THE MOMENT, I reminded myself!!!!  Within a few minutes I had broken rule number 2. I pulled out my Kleenex that I tucked away in Ethan’s bag and quickly wiped the tears from my face as I struggled to stay in the moment. I cried mixed tears…some were of sadness and some were tears to water my thirsty soul.

We hugged and greeted others and I broke rule number 2 again…I wanted so much to just be invisible. We made it thru the service and made an immediate exit. I felt the anxiety again because I’d have to face others. We all headed out the door together and I felt the floodgates opening so I hurried to the car.  Despite the tears, it was a good day!

I'm LEARNING to stay in the moment~