3 months...

Three months ago today, I met Death (again). I met Pain (again).I held Israel Grayson for the first time. I remember being prepped for the c-section. I remember the deep, hollowness of my cry of despair. I remember watching the clock tick towards 4:00pm, the time of my c-section. I released so many tears that day.  I left like I was going to the execution chamber and in many ways I was.

 My grief is not as raw as it was 3 months ago. However, I am not the same person that I was. ANOTHER piece of me has died and I am forever changed.

 Happy 3 months birthday Israel Grayson.  Love you…miss you…and long to hold you again!

Grayson's footprints

Lock of Grayson's hair

Bracelets

If it be possible….

 

If it be possible….

I don’t want to sound like a whiner or host a pity party but I am reminded of William Shakespeares words, “To thine own self be true”. The truth is… My heart is filled with thanksgiving AND sadness. I have just felt so very emotional since Thursday. Maybe finalizing the grave marker was the trigger.

On Saturday, I purchased a frame for Grayson’s picture. Since December, the photo album has been beside my bed and opened to our favorite black/white picture of him. I added the picture to the frame & showed it to Chris for approval. He loved it and wanted it to stay in our living room, which was fine with me. I placed the frame on the coffee table beside Chris’ recliner and my “spot” on the couch. I’m glad that Chris suggested that we keep it in the living room. We conversed about Grayson and wondered what he was doing in that very moment. I wonder what heaven will be like. Will Grayson be a baby when we meet him in heaven? Will he know that we are his parents and that we love him deeply? Was he immediately united with his sisters? There are just so many questions that we cannot answer now.

On Sunday, Ethan climbed into his Daddy’s recliner, grabbed the picture frame and kept repeating “Bruh, Bruh” and “Bebe”. I just held back the tears and watched. I let my mind escape the reality and just for a moment, thought of life with 2 boys in our home. Ahhh….

I struggled to stay focused at work today. I could feel myself on the brink of an emotional mishap. I kept looking at Ethan’s picture on my desk and reminded myself of the many reasons to be thankful for the blessing that Ethan is to us and to all that know him.


Luke 22:42 New Living Translation (©2007)


"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

Floodgates!

The floodgates have opened WIDE! I have been searching online for the PERFECT headstone for Grayson for some time now. I finally found one but it only came in black marble which cannot be placed at the cemetery. Here is a copy of the Grave marker. I love the image of Jesus with the 4 children. Its the perfect representation of our heavenly family. It looks like Jesus is holding a baby boy and 3 older children ( girls perhaps) are looking on.  That is JUST as I imagine our children.

 I called a local shop to get a quote & the guy asked me to stop by to see his work since he doesn’t have a website. I decided to go on my lunch today. The owner greeted me at the door, shook my hand & invited me in. He was so very kind. We reviewed the catalog & obtained quotes as I held back tears. I told him that I'd review this with Chris and hopefully we'd be ready to order in a few days as I was ready since I've exhausted efforts of finding something online and too much time has passed since December & I want Grayson to have a stone soon. Then he asked, " Was your baby stillborn"? GATES OPENED swiftly.... I explained our story (the short version) and that Grayson is the 4th child that we've lost but the 1st that we've buried, thus the marker had to be perfect. His phone rang & I quickly thanked him and made my way to the car to have a good cry. I'm just sad at the reality of all of this. These should be the happiest days of our life’s but today is not one of those days. We do have so very much to be thankful for but our gratitude & our pain are balanced on the scale.

Chris and I were able to narrow our choices down to two tonight. Hopefully, we'll decide on a final by Sunday and order on Monday. I'm anxious for my boy to have a marker on his grave. The marker will be placed as soon as 30-45 after ordering. The graphics are nice but none of them have 4 children, which is okay. There is one with Jesus holding a boy & looking at him and an older girl stands beside them.

 

My head hurts from crying so much! I just want to turn my mind off and sleep.

 My 13year old nephew, Dezmond amazes me. I have loved him since the day that my sister announced that she was pregnant with him. He is wise beyond his years. He called me tonight just to check on me. He said that he wanted to start calling his family ( me, Chris, his Dad, my Mom, & his brother) everyday “ just to make sure that everybody is okay”……OKAY>>>>he’s ONLY 13! I was in the grocery store and the tears were flowing again. He’s a special young man.  I know that God has given him a heart for people. He is well on his way to being a great man, husband, father, leader, and anything else that he wants to be. He makes me proud but more importantly, I’m sure that he makes God smile!

Good Medicine

Good Medicine

I often say that Ethan is “good medicine” for Chris & I.  He absolutely gives the best hugs!  Seeing his bright smile and budding personality is definitely restorative for us. Sometimes, you just have to see it to believe it!

You CANNOT look at this face and not smile!

Ethan is preaching/singing on his new microphone ( thanks Auntie Sam & Uncle Ron)

Just being my silly boy!  :0)

STAY IN THE MOMENT

STAY IN THE MOMENT

My memory is like an elephant. There are very few things that I forget.  I still remember old phone numbers ( that are no longer in service), dates of events, conversations, etc.  Memorization works well when I am reminding Chris that he forgot to do something that I asked him to do Tuesday at 5:48pm. I am sure the he HATES this talent that I have come to love.

Yesterday was my first Sunday attending church since Grayson’s birth. Needless to say, I had a great deal of anxiety.  I have been out to the mall, grocery stores, etc and had my bouts of anxiety and hoped that I would not see any familiar faces. However, I was returning to a familiar place with familiar people and most of them knew our story.  Chris went back to church for the 1^st time on 1/8 and one of the guys asked him, “ How’s your wife &  the new baby doing”?  He had not heard the news in a month that we were absent from church.   The guy just thought that Chris was at home taking care of his family. He apologized to Chris but clearly, he didn’t know.

I wanted to make sure that I returned to church 1. Because I needed to be there for my own spiritual growth and 2. I didn’t want Chris to be alone if others didn’t know. I thought maybe if Ethan & I returned and people didn’t see us with a newborn, then no one would ask “where ( or How)  is the baby”?

 I gave myself a good “talk” on the drive to church. I reminded myself to “stay in the moment…don’t think about what was…don’t think about what should be right now…just stay in the moment”… and most importantly…”Don’t cry”!  In my mind, I kept saying,” I shouldn’t be going to church, I should be home with a newborn….or the last time I was at church I was carrying Grayson and it was the day of his baby shower”  Now, do you see why I needed to stay in the moment?

We made a quick entry thru side door of the sanctuary and sat further back that normal.  STAY IN THE MOMENT, I reminded myself!!!!  Within a few minutes I had broken rule number 2. I pulled out my Kleenex that I tucked away in Ethan’s bag and quickly wiped the tears from my face as I struggled to stay in the moment. I cried mixed tears…some were of sadness and some were tears to water my thirsty soul.

We hugged and greeted others and I broke rule number 2 again…I wanted so much to just be invisible. We made it thru the service and made an immediate exit. I felt the anxiety again because I’d have to face others. We all headed out the door together and I felt the floodgates opening so I hurried to the car.  Despite the tears, it was a good day!

I'm LEARNING to stay in the moment~

1 month...

One month ago today, I gave birth to a silent baby boy.  It seems like only a few days ago that I held him and kissed his little cheeks.  I still keep his pictures beside my bed and look at him several times throughout the day and night. I have a lock of his jet black hair. It feels like silk.  I wonder what he’s doing in heaven.  Who cares for and nurtures all of the babies?

I was more tearful today than normal as I thought about having a one month old in our home and how different our lives would be.  I grabbed the prayer shawl that Mikaela’s mother brought back from Israel in November. I wrapped myself in the shawl and tried to quiet my soul and feel the peace of God. I picked up the Bible and began to read about Job and his strength during the seemingly worse times of his life. I am going to make an earnest attempt to honor God as much as Job did. 

Happy 1 month birthday Israel Grayson.  You are never far from my thoughts and you are always close to my heart!

RETRACTION!

RETRACTION!

   I have very vivid memories of my childhood and spending many wonderful days with my maternal Grandma ( Alma) She was the mother of TWELEVE…yes, 12 children (7 boys and 5 girls- no multiple births).  She and my Grandfather were married for nearly 50 years before he passed away.  He had been dead for 2 years when I was born. Although we never met, I knew that Grandma loved him even after death had parted them.  She never dated or remarried after his death because they promised each other that they wouldn’t and Grandma never even had a desire to do so. Her life was rich and filled with the love of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great- great grandchildren.

I often said, “ I want to be just like Grandma”!  I just admired her strength and her capacity to love and be loved. EVERYONE loved her. Grandma was the royal thread that held the fabric of our family together.  She was rare jewel, priceless and full of wisdom.  She loved God and His Word and had a prophetic gift that even she could not explain. I have never loved another woman more than Grandma. She was my teacher, my protector, counselor, spiritual example and the list goes ON!

I wanted my life to emulate her light.  In saying that I wanted to be just like her, little did I know that I was also welcoming the pain that she experienced.  Grandma gave birth to 12 children but by the time that I was born, she had buried three sons. My Uncles J. Harold & Odessa died as young adults. Her son Jesse was bitten by a snake and died when he was 2-3 months old.  

 

She buried three children and a husband. She lived the last 23 years of her life with only memories of the one that she loved (my Granddaddy). She frequented the graveyard at our family church on Father’s Day, Christmas, and each of their birthdays.  A few days before she slipped into a deep sleep she called for Jesus…” Come on in Jesus…..Hear me, Jesus” as her eyes were looking up at the ceiling and then at the door.  My curiosity got the best of me and I had to know what she saw.

 “ Grandma, do you see Jesus?”

“ Yes”

 “ What does He look like?” I asked

“ He looks like Jesus” she replied. :0)

 She also told me that my Granddaddy was coming down the hill for her. As she lay on her death bed & paralyzed on one side, she would lift up her only usable hand and softly call for my Granddaddy, “Jimmy”.

 Over the weekend, my words hit me like a ton of bricks.  Words really do have power! I realized that my Grandma had experienced the sting of loss just as I have.  I had to retract my “ I want to be just like Grandma” statement.    While I will always love, respect and admire her, I don’t want to be JUST like her although we already have a great deal in common. I want to navigate my own course and build my own legacy.