Happy Birthday Destiny!

Happy Birthday Destiny!

Four years ago today, we held a tiny 7oz baby girl who we later named Destiny Almaray.  Chris picked out her 1st name and I combined my Grandmothers names (Alma & Rachael) for her middle name.   December 19 , 2007 was a day that we had looked forward to since finding out of our pregnancy on my birthday weekend in ’07. We had an appointment scheduled for a gender ultrasound that day.  Things turned out differently after my water broke 2 weeks prior.

I have no pictures of Destiny. There are no footprints or handprints of her in a scrapbook, but there are memories of her in my heart.

 Happy 4^th Birthday to our firstborn daughter!  We love and miss you now just as much as we did 4 years ago.

Heavy Sighs & silent screams!

Heavy Sighs & silent screams!

I STILL cannot wrap my mind around this nightmare. WE WERE SOOOO CLOSE to bringing Israel Grayson home with us!

 I’m mad and I’m angry! ( I know…it’s the normal stages of grief)

 

I am going thru the motions of being okay but I hurt deeply & I feel so at fault for the pain that Chris & I feel. I should have felt the struggle or SOMETHING!

Thursday night, I felt anger  and bitterness overtaking me. I was mad that I wasn’t packing the hospital bag or double checking Ethan’s bag to go to the sitter &daycare. We were supposed to be happy on Thursday. That was to be our last night in this house as a family of three.  HEAVY SIGH!

Yesterday ( Friday) was an extremely hard day, filled with much anxiety & intense pain of what should have been the celebration of Israel’s birthday. I made an honest attempt to be “normal” yesterday and failed miserably within minutes. I kept telling myself that I'm delaying my grief so that Chris doesn’t feel the need to be strong for me. I have 8 weeks to grieve but he needs this time to grieve and I want to be (not strong) but emotionally stable to support him and offer my shoulder for him to lean on. I got out of bed after he came home from taking Ethan to daycare. My plan was converse about his thoughts & feelings,  make him breakfast if he were up for eating and just be near him.

I couldn’t. My will and my emotions were out of sync. I sat on the couch and asked a few questions and I could feel the angst and hollowness raging in my soul like a category V hurricane.  My mind was at the hospital. I wanted to be in OR#2. I wanted to hear Grayson release a vibrant scream and announce his arrival. I wanted to hear “Congratulations, he’s beautiful” .  I wanted to see Chris smile like he did when Ethan was born. I wanted Chris to be happy.  We were not supposed to be at home with the curtains drawn…

 

INSERT SILENT SCREAMS!!!!!!

I made an about-face and returned to our bedroom. I stared at the ceiling fan. I stared at the window. I envisioned how the day should have been and with each thought, I was submerged deeper in sorrow.

The Graveside Service

The Graveside Service

 NO parent should ever know how it feels to say a goodbye forever to a child. I can honestly say, Tuesday was one of the hardest days of our lives.

 We kept Ethan home from daycare so that he could attend the service. As much as I tried to get things done, I just could not manage to concentrate on anything!  Ethan still had to bed fed, dressed, played with and loved on.  I found myself “holding it together” for the sake of normalcy for him.  That was until I fed him lunch. I attempted to say the blessing with him and the levees that had been restraining my emotions gave way. 

 Ethan & Chris took a nap and I raced against the clock to iron our clothes & pickup things around the house. My aunt in CT called just to say, “ I love you” and the sincerity of her voice touched my soul. I wanted to say more to her but I couldn’t articulate a word. Seemingly, saying I love you in that moment was all that needed to be said.

 We drove ourselves to the cemetery. Chris and I shared our thoughts & feelings about the task that was before us. Simply put, we were sad!  As we drove up, we could see that a crowd had already gathered. We arrived about30 minutes early & I was surprised to see people there already.  We parked & opted to just wait in the car in hopes that we would avoid conversation before the service. NO such luck….We heard about job interviews and introductions to fiancées…. I didn’t want to be rude but I wanted to yell…..”Excuse me, we are here to bury our son….can we discuss YOUR LIFE LATER…much later”!

Thankfully, some men from our church gathered around Chris and my spiritual Godmother came to me. Thank God for people who just know how to be a powerful, quiet presence. I kept my head down, face covered & eyes closed as I sat in the car. As I lifted my head, I could see the hearse moving slowly toward us. My heart raced out of my chest. Barry, the mortician, exited the car and withdrew the tiny casket that Chris closed at the mortuary on Sunday. Our precious baby boy had arrived!

 With a mortician to my left and Chris on my right, we walked under the tent and were seated for the service. I scanned the crowd and immediately felt overwhelming love by the number of people who were in attendance and equally overwhelmed with sorrow. I closed my eyes tightly, gripped my Daddy’s hand and Chris’ leg. I heard everything that was going on but just listened in the background. I needed to sing  "our song" to Israel one last time….

 Love always sees you

Even when you’re not looking
And Oh love comes thru when faith needs healing
Love always knows truth even when you struggle
And I will never miss a moment and it makes us one forever!

 The service was brief, just like Israel’s life, but it was beautiful.  We were greeted with so many warm hugs, tears, thoughtful words and compassionate hearts.

 We lingered at the cemetery. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the tiny casket & vault that held the remains of my sweet baby! I wanted to ask Barry if he’d open the casket once more. Maybe I could just kiss him one more time or rub his soft hair…. Deep down, I knew the answer but I longed for more. 

 I took a few pictures of the casket and the Christmas ornament that my nephew & nieces made for Israel.  Barry then advised us to leave because he didn’t want us to see the actual burial. He said that it would be the last memory that we had of him& it would be painful…we took his advise and made the drive home.

This poem was on the back of the obituary. My friend Ann found it online…..I think its perfect!

Precious Little One

I'm just a precious little one

who didn’t make it there.

I went straight to be with Jesus,

but I’m waiting for you here.

Many dwelling here where I live,

waited years to enter in,

Struggled through a world of sorrow,

a world marred with pain and sin.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

it was brief but don’t complain.

I have all Heaven's Glory,

Suffered none of earth's great pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me.

I’d have loved to bring it fame.

But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows,

I would have suffered just the same.

So sweet family, don’t you sorrow.

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.

I went straight to Jesus' arms

from my loving Mother's womb.

Author Unknown

My devotion for today....

 

My precious friend, Mikaela Davis has committed herself to encouraging me thru the Word of God. Somehow, I can receive what she says ( so, no one else needs to feel compelled to fill this space) She's not preaching to me or trying to explain God at all. Such a sweet spirit & friend. She's just the wind of refreshing to my heart.

This is her devotion that she sent me this morning. This one, like all the others have been perfect timing!

  I shared this devotion & video because some of you may be where I am. You may be weak, your faith may need to be increased or to be reminded of God’s love for you….

From Mikaela Davis ....

Every once in a while we have to look up to heaven and ask the Lord to give us faith in Him one more time....give us strength is our weakest moments...remind us that He's there and He's strong enough to carry us through...prove to us that He won't fail.

Lord today I pray that you will give, remind, and prove.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WtxkISKW0c
Give Me Faith /He Will Never Fail Me Declaration

Verse:

I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes To see that You're shaping my life

Pre-Chorus:

All I am, I surrender

Chorus: Give me faith to trust what you say

That you're good and your love is great I'm broken inside,

I give you my life

Verse 2:

I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark And cleanse every part of me

Bridge:

I may be weak

Your spirits' strong in me

My flesh may fail

But, my God you never will

  Mikaela Davis

Arrangements and an array of thoughts...

Its been a hard few days & I feel like the worst days are still to come. Chris & I have purposefully kept ourselves busy with tasks so that we can evade the reality for as long as possible. I wrote the obituary for the newspaper & ensured that it would make tomorrows paper. I created the program to distribute at the graveside service.  Chris & I comfirmed participants for the program. We took clothes to the mortuary.

Tomorrow we will see our precious Israel Grayson for the last time. We will have a graveside service on Tuesday @ 2pm . I just don’t know how many more goodbyes our hearts can take. My prayer tonight was simple, "Dear God, Please do not give us any more gifts in the form of children that we cannot keep...love Chris & Tanika!  Amen"

I just can’t wrap my mind around all of this. HOW much exactly can we take to show the world that despite everything, we still trust God? Was losing 3 daughters not enough??? I'm rambling but these are the thoughts weighing on my mind tonight. I don’t want to be strong; We want to be an active, loving parents to Israel Grayson just like we are to Ethan....even if we have to be weak!

In spite of all of the darkness, our precious Ethan forces us to live and to face life.  Something about his smile and those deep brown eyes demand that we move beyond ourselves and give him the love and attention that he still needs and deserves.  When I carried him, I prayed that his life would be a source of encouragement & that his mere existence would compel people to believe & trust God again. I never knew that he would be the prescribed medicine in the form of encouragement for Chris & I.  He truly is the LIGHT in our lives. We’ve held him longer, squeezed him tighter, and said “I love you” more in these last few days. We really are so incredibly blessed to have him.

Saturday's Update

We left the hospital Saturday afternoon about 2pm.  MY GOD, what a difficult departure.  Late Friday night, I sent Israel to the morgue just so Chris & I could spend some time talking about our feelings.  I wanted to make sure that HE knew that I recognized that he was grieving and may just need to talk. People always are concerned about me but I feel like he can be overlooked. HE and Ethan are MY #1 priority!

The nurse brought Israel back  to the room about 4am after I had some much needed sleep.  I placed him upon my chest and just savored the moment. I didn’t say much to him. I just wanted to take in each second. I couldn’t think about what was to come. All that mattered in that moment was that my precious boy was with me. I placed his tiny hands upon my chest, closed my eyes, and drifted to a place where there was no tears or sorrow.

 The sun rose on Saturday morning and the day started with Israel….that was our last sunrise together~  I held him for most of the day and hoped that my OB took his time coming to discharge me. Thankfully, we had no visitors on Saturday except for the nurses on the floor so, Chris & I had all of the time that we needed. Until, the nurse came in to announce, “ Dr. R. called and will be here in about 30 minutes”.  Oh how my heart raced! I longed for another hour…another night perhaps! I sang “our” song to him. It was a song  that heard in church one Sunday by our musical guest, Leon Timbo. Something about the  words just seemed so right and the reason that Leon wrote the song moved my heart.  His friend was diagnosed with CHF and  not given long to live. He and his wife desperately wanted children but could never have them so they adopted.  He received this shattering news shortly after the completion of the adoption.  ( or something VERY similar to that) He wanted to ensure that in the event that he passed away prematurely, his daughter would know that he was with her forever.

 I’d sing this to Israel Grayson often.

 The lyrics are…

“Forever”

Love always sees you

Even when you’re not looking

And Oh love comes thru when faith needs healing

Love always knows truth even when you struggle

And I will never miss a moment and it makes us one forever!

 There is a video of this on YouTube but it  just doesn’t do the song justice!

 I realized that although Israel would never see US as his eyes were closed at birth, our love would see him. Our love for each other and for him would bring healing to our broken faith. Perhaps it was love that prompted me to check the Doppler at 1130 Tuesday night as he struggled alone & in silence. Although, we have missed and will miss many more moments, we are ONE….FOREVER!  Thank you Leon Timbo for these words!

I asked Israel to kiss Destiny, Briauna, & Madison for us and tell them how much we love & miss them.  It comforts us to know that he won’t be alone there. I’m sure the girls and my Grandmas will take good care of him.

My warm tears flowed down his small, cold face.  I wished that my tears had the power to revive him and refresh his life!

There we stood, Chris, Israel, & I in room 424. We held each other tightly & Israel between us. What a moment!  I wish it could be forever.

Fridays update

Fridays update

Thanks again everyone. Today has been such a special day. Israel received such a display of love from his 3 grandparents, Aunties, and my co-workers. We had professional pictures taken (very similar to NILMDTS) and we already have our photo CD back as well as prints from the Nurse and from the O.R. because OB wanted us to see how the cord was around his neck & arm.

I am still in the hospital & will be discharged in the morning. Initially, I was set & sure that I was going home tonight so we'd be home Ethan...until I realized that equaled no more nights with Israel Grayson. I need more night to snuggle w/ my baby boy. He slept on my chest until 3am...it was the best of times!