My devotion for today....

 

My precious friend, Mikaela Davis has committed herself to encouraging me thru the Word of God. Somehow, I can receive what she says ( so, no one else needs to feel compelled to fill this space) She's not preaching to me or trying to explain God at all. Such a sweet spirit & friend. She's just the wind of refreshing to my heart.

This is her devotion that she sent me this morning. This one, like all the others have been perfect timing!

  I shared this devotion & video because some of you may be where I am. You may be weak, your faith may need to be increased or to be reminded of God’s love for you….

From Mikaela Davis ....

Every once in a while we have to look up to heaven and ask the Lord to give us faith in Him one more time....give us strength is our weakest moments...remind us that He's there and He's strong enough to carry us through...prove to us that He won't fail.

Lord today I pray that you will give, remind, and prove.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WtxkISKW0c
Give Me Faith /He Will Never Fail Me Declaration

Verse:

I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes To see that You're shaping my life

Pre-Chorus:

All I am, I surrender

Chorus: Give me faith to trust what you say

That you're good and your love is great I'm broken inside,

I give you my life

Verse 2:

I need you to soften my heart To break me apart

I need you to pierce through the dark And cleanse every part of me

Bridge:

I may be weak

Your spirits' strong in me

My flesh may fail

But, my God you never will

  Mikaela Davis

Arrangements and an array of thoughts...

Its been a hard few days & I feel like the worst days are still to come. Chris & I have purposefully kept ourselves busy with tasks so that we can evade the reality for as long as possible. I wrote the obituary for the newspaper & ensured that it would make tomorrows paper. I created the program to distribute at the graveside service.  Chris & I comfirmed participants for the program. We took clothes to the mortuary.

Tomorrow we will see our precious Israel Grayson for the last time. We will have a graveside service on Tuesday @ 2pm . I just don’t know how many more goodbyes our hearts can take. My prayer tonight was simple, "Dear God, Please do not give us any more gifts in the form of children that we cannot keep...love Chris & Tanika!  Amen"

I just can’t wrap my mind around all of this. HOW much exactly can we take to show the world that despite everything, we still trust God? Was losing 3 daughters not enough??? I'm rambling but these are the thoughts weighing on my mind tonight. I don’t want to be strong; We want to be an active, loving parents to Israel Grayson just like we are to Ethan....even if we have to be weak!

In spite of all of the darkness, our precious Ethan forces us to live and to face life.  Something about his smile and those deep brown eyes demand that we move beyond ourselves and give him the love and attention that he still needs and deserves.  When I carried him, I prayed that his life would be a source of encouragement & that his mere existence would compel people to believe & trust God again. I never knew that he would be the prescribed medicine in the form of encouragement for Chris & I.  He truly is the LIGHT in our lives. We’ve held him longer, squeezed him tighter, and said “I love you” more in these last few days. We really are so incredibly blessed to have him.

Saturday's Update

We left the hospital Saturday afternoon about 2pm.  MY GOD, what a difficult departure.  Late Friday night, I sent Israel to the morgue just so Chris & I could spend some time talking about our feelings.  I wanted to make sure that HE knew that I recognized that he was grieving and may just need to talk. People always are concerned about me but I feel like he can be overlooked. HE and Ethan are MY #1 priority!

The nurse brought Israel back  to the room about 4am after I had some much needed sleep.  I placed him upon my chest and just savored the moment. I didn’t say much to him. I just wanted to take in each second. I couldn’t think about what was to come. All that mattered in that moment was that my precious boy was with me. I placed his tiny hands upon my chest, closed my eyes, and drifted to a place where there was no tears or sorrow.

 The sun rose on Saturday morning and the day started with Israel….that was our last sunrise together~  I held him for most of the day and hoped that my OB took his time coming to discharge me. Thankfully, we had no visitors on Saturday except for the nurses on the floor so, Chris & I had all of the time that we needed. Until, the nurse came in to announce, “ Dr. R. called and will be here in about 30 minutes”.  Oh how my heart raced! I longed for another hour…another night perhaps! I sang “our” song to him. It was a song  that heard in church one Sunday by our musical guest, Leon Timbo. Something about the  words just seemed so right and the reason that Leon wrote the song moved my heart.  His friend was diagnosed with CHF and  not given long to live. He and his wife desperately wanted children but could never have them so they adopted.  He received this shattering news shortly after the completion of the adoption.  ( or something VERY similar to that) He wanted to ensure that in the event that he passed away prematurely, his daughter would know that he was with her forever.

 I’d sing this to Israel Grayson often.

 The lyrics are…

“Forever”

Love always sees you

Even when you’re not looking

And Oh love comes thru when faith needs healing

Love always knows truth even when you struggle

And I will never miss a moment and it makes us one forever!

 There is a video of this on YouTube but it  just doesn’t do the song justice!

 I realized that although Israel would never see US as his eyes were closed at birth, our love would see him. Our love for each other and for him would bring healing to our broken faith. Perhaps it was love that prompted me to check the Doppler at 1130 Tuesday night as he struggled alone & in silence. Although, we have missed and will miss many more moments, we are ONE….FOREVER!  Thank you Leon Timbo for these words!

I asked Israel to kiss Destiny, Briauna, & Madison for us and tell them how much we love & miss them.  It comforts us to know that he won’t be alone there. I’m sure the girls and my Grandmas will take good care of him.

My warm tears flowed down his small, cold face.  I wished that my tears had the power to revive him and refresh his life!

There we stood, Chris, Israel, & I in room 424. We held each other tightly & Israel between us. What a moment!  I wish it could be forever.

Fridays update

Fridays update

Thanks again everyone. Today has been such a special day. Israel received such a display of love from his 3 grandparents, Aunties, and my co-workers. We had professional pictures taken (very similar to NILMDTS) and we already have our photo CD back as well as prints from the Nurse and from the O.R. because OB wanted us to see how the cord was around his neck & arm.

I am still in the hospital & will be discharged in the morning. Initially, I was set & sure that I was going home tonight so we'd be home Ethan...until I realized that equaled no more nights with Israel Grayson. I need more night to snuggle w/ my baby boy. He slept on my chest until 3am...it was the best of times!

Thursdays update

Thursdays update

Our hearts are completely overwhelmed with the display of love & thoughtfulness. We KNOW that a multitude of precious people have sincerely prayed for us..... Thank you. We can feel them. As I held Israel tonight, not a tear flowed from my eyes. Everything was perfect in that euphoric moment. Israel was born shortly after 6pm & weighs 6lbs 4oz. He’s perfect! We now know that he suffered demise due to a very tightly wrapped cord around his neck & arm. Although we are relieved in knowing, it hurts just as much knowing that he had such a painful transition.

I have 4 ANGELS......

I'm without words....my precious Israel Grayson has joined his 3 sisters in heaven yesterday. U/S looked perfect..I listened to his heartbeat at 1130 Tuesday night....I just dont know what happened. I had a routine OV at 940 yesterday & nurse could not find his heartbeat.  I told her that I had JUST listened to him at 1130 buthe was really low. The Dr. tried...NO LUCK.I was sent to the next exam room for u/s and I could not see the heartbeat or ANY movement.  OB sent me accross the street to my high risk ob for detailed u/s.  I couldn't look at the screen. I only heard, "I'm so sorry"....

Chris & I are heartbroken, shocked, & angry....we were so close to bringing him home. Thanks so much for ur continued prayers.

 We will be admitted for csection today @2 for a 4pm c-section.

I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

We celebrated the 4th birthday of my twin niece & nephew tonight. They TRULY are miracle babies born at 28 weeks and weighing 1.3 and 1.7lbs.  Although I was happy to be at the party, I had to keep my mind from drifting back to this very night 4 years ago as I stood in the operating room with my sister in law as the twins were delivered via emergency c-section due to preeclampsia.

 On 12/5/07 I was 16 weeks & 4 days pregnant with our 1^st daughter, Destiny Almaray. As I stood up from my desk to go to the restroom one last time for the day, my water broke as I hurriedly tried to make it to the bathroom without a big scene. I thought to myself, “this baby MUST be on my bladder”. It was my 1^st pregnancy &everything was so perfect. I had no reason to believe that the gush of fluid was anything to worry about…but I did. I made it to my car & called the OB’s office and explained what happened.  The nurse, Angela felt pretty sure that it was NOT my water breaking since I was only 16 weeks.  I was advised to go home & rest and to call back to the office if I had any further episodes. I hung up the phone and called my Moma. She could hear the concern & uncertainty in my voice. She tried to reassure me that things were okay. I couldn’t hold back the tears, I just felt like something was wrong.

I called my husband & told him what happened and he laughed & though that I just had a weak bladder due to pregnancy & had peed on myself. (MEN)  I made it home and he could tell by my emotions that this was NO laughing matter.

I didn’t sleep much that night as I wondered what was going on inside my body.

 The next day, I went to work and didn’t say a word to anyone about the events from the previous day. I researched things online but everything increased my anxiety. I finally called my cousin, “JW” who is a midwife/Ob in Delaware.  She heard my concern and finally someone understood the reason for my heightened awareness.

Just as I was about to call my OB to say, “I think my water really did break”, I received a call  from my husband stating that my sister in law was taken from her OB’s office directly to the hospital for emergency c-section. He wanted to know if I could go & be with her since I was closest to the hospital. I tucked my issues away & ran to her aid.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, she was being prepped for surgery & no one else was there. I helped get her prepped & she was wheeled off to the  OR.  I was given scrubs to put on & told where to wait until they were ready for me. My heart raced and my hands  were drenched with sweat. There I was with a 16 week belly walking into the OR to see my tiny niece & nephew enter the world early.  I stood at the holding area, pacing the floor and praying that they would be okay.

In less than 10 minutes, both twins were delivered successfully.  We heard very faint cries from both of them but they were alive.  The nurses swaddled them and flashed them before our faces and rushed them to the NICU.  That was the first & last time that I would see them in the hospital. The family was in the waiting room anxiously awaiting details of the twins births. I shared the details and them my MIL & her friend laughed about me peeing on myself the day before .

The next day (12/8)  I went to see my OB and my worst feelings were confirmed. I had PROM ( premature rupture of membranes….water breaking) and was admitted to the hospital. The prognosis was GRIM and all we could hope for was a miracle.

Tonight’s celebration just brought back a lot of the feelings from 4 years ago. There I was again, with a baby in my stomach & hoping that everything is okay with Baby Israel Grayson.  I'm also thinking...I should be having a party for my 4 year old. I should have never known the feeling and despair of loss. I celebrate and I grieve in the same moment.

Destiny will be 4 on 12/19 and I am torn. My c-section is scheduled for 12/16. That is really close. What if I am still in the hospital on 12/19???? How can I celebrate the joy of a 3 day old baby and long for a 4 year old at the same time.

I just feel some kind of way!!!!!