Emotional rollercoaster: Admit One

I can vividly recall the details of significant dates in my life. For instance, I had a 7am hair appointment on Saturday, October 21, 2006. My phone rang at 6:58 am from my dear friend Tanya excitedly yelling, “Happy Wedding Day”. My response was,” what time is it????” I drank 1/2a bottle of wine the night before and that’s why the alarm clock & I didn’t see eye to eye.

I can remember the 1st day at my job, nearly 9 years ago. I remember the outfit that I wore and the trivial details that went along with it.

Although I have no problem recalling these details, I don’t think of them of the anniversary of their occurrence.

There are some events, however, that never leave my mind or heart. July is such a bittersweet month. This month is sweet because I get to celebrate the birthday of my husband; an absolutely wonderful friend, provider, and father. We also celebrate our 8th month of pregnancy which is accompanied by baby showers and gifts at our front door. What an emotional high! In the midst of all the jubilation & excitement, I am forced to face each new day and the memories that are intertwined with it.

July 2008 seems so long ago but yet it seems like yesterday. On Wednesday, July 16, 2008 our OB appt revealed that we were expecting Baby Girl #2. I was 16w 3days pregnant. We didn’t wait to share the news. By Saturday night, I had what I thought was a UTI, so I headed to the local CVS for some cranberry pills & hoped for relief. The pain eased off a little but we missed church on Sunday July 20th because DH had pulled a muscle in his leg. We both laid around all day. By afternoon, we needed to get out of the house so we headed to Babies R US ( BRU)and Burlington to look at nursery items for our daughter. As we walked around BRU I started to feel some vibrations in my stomach. I really didn’t know what it was but it was definitely a different feeling and so was shopping for a baby girl. I ignored the pain as long as I could and came home to prop my feet up & take another round of cranberry pills.

After multiple trips to the bathroom, I inspected the toilet paper only to find part of my mucous plug. My heart sank. I immediately got on line and searched for details and I called my cousin who is an OB in another state, My OB was on vacation and his coverage didn’t return my calls after a 45 minute wait. We decided to head to the hospital & I emailed my friend Crystal to ask for her prayers because I thought that I may be having contractions.

The 20 minute drive to the hospital was silent. Chris &I held hands and as much as I wanted to pray, I just couldn’t. I was scared!

I was checked and found to be contracting every 2-3 minutes and my bag of water was bulging thru my cervix. I was given meds to stop the contractions and placed in trendelenburg position for the night with hopes that gravity would be on my side & the bag of water would recede. The on call doc finally made his way to see me & apologized for not retuning my calls because he was in an emergency c-section.

Monday morning, ( July 21, 2008) a new OB is on call. He was very frank and told us that our ONLY hope to salvage the pregnancy was to attempt a cerclage. There was a 20% chance that it would work but doing nothing would certainly result in premature labor. We opted for the 2:00pm cerclage.

I went to the O.R. & got good pain meds so I can’t recall all of the details. I remember waking up & being wheeled back to my room. I was still a bit out of it but I remember the OB coming in to give us report about the procedure. I was not a part of the 20% success rate. My bag of water burst as soon as he touched it. Induction was looming.

By 5pm, my body had started to labor naturally. The nurse checked our daughter’s heartbeat every two hours. At 7pm we could still heart a strong, regular heartbeat. At 9pm I felt “ something”. I looked between my legs & I was bleeding. I called the nurse. She checked the heartbeat. The look on her face spoke volumes & the silence in the room seemed so loud. She searched for a heartbeat. I looked at her and said, “ I know, it’s time right?” Shortly before 11pm, Briauna Angel silently entered the world. Tiny. Perfect. Beautiful. Dead on arrival. Wanted. Loved. Already missed. Gone too soon.

Both Briauna & Madison were remembered and celebrated at the support group meeting tonight. We ate cake and sang happy birthday to our would-be 2 & 1 year old daughters. I felt so cheated & honored at the same time. I swallowed the tears as I ordered the cake from the bakery. The clerk asked for the theme for the cake. There was a long pause & sigh. After a few moments of stuttering, I was able to articulate that I wanted the cake to have butterflies and the text should read, “ We remember Briauna, Madison, & Uriah” .

Uriah ( parents attend support group) would have been born this month but he passed away in April. However, we celebrate any/all significant dates on this journey.

You would think that at 32 weeks pregnant that absolutely nothing could wipe the smile off of my face. I am happy & I am sad. Ethan in NO WAY replaces his 3 sisters.

Tonight, I’m thinking of my princess and wondering, “if only……”

….If only I could get off of this emotional rollercoaster!!