The Journey of Love & Life

Thursday, December 8, 2011

I have 4 ANGELS......

I'm without words....my precious Israel Grayson has joined his 3 sisters in heaven yesterday. U/S looked perfect..I listened to his heartbeat at 1130 Tuesday night....I just dont know what happened. I had a routine OV at 940 yesterday & nurse could not find his heartbeat. I told her that I had JUST listened to him at 1130 buthe was really low. The Dr. tried...NO LUCK.I was sent to the next exam room for u/s and I could not see the heartbeat or ANY movement. OB sent me accross the street to my high risk ob for detailed u/s. I couldn't look at the screen. I only heard, "I'm so sorry"....

Chris & I are heartbroken, shocked, & angry....we were so close to bringing him home. Thanks so much for ur continued prayers.

We will be admitted for csection today @2 for a 4pm c-section.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I’m feeling some kind of way tonight…..

We celebrated the 4th birthday of my twin niece & nephew tonight. They TRULY are miracle babies born at 28 weeks and weighing 1.3 and 1.7lbs. Although I was happy to be at the party, I had to keep my mind from drifting back to this very night 4 years ago as I stood in the operating room with my sister in law as the twins were delivered via emergency c-section due to preeclampsia.

On 12/5/07 I was 16 weeks & 4 days pregnant with our 1^st daughter, Destiny Almaray. As I stood up from my desk to go to the restroom one last time for the day, my water broke as I hurriedly tried to make it to the bathroom without a big scene. I thought to myself, “this baby MUST be on my bladder”. It was my 1^st pregnancy &everything was so perfect. I had no reason to believe that the gush of fluid was anything to worry about…but I did. I made it to my car & called the OB’s office and explained what happened. The nurse, Angela felt pretty sure that it was NOT my water breaking since I was only 16 weeks. I was advised to go home & rest and to call back to the office if I had any further episodes. I hung up the phone and called my Moma. She could hear the concern & uncertainty in my voice. She tried to reassure me that things were okay. I couldn’t hold back the tears, I just felt like something was wrong.

I called my husband & told him what happened and he laughed & though that I just had a weak bladder due to pregnancy & had peed on myself. (MEN) I made it home and he could tell by my emotions that this was NO laughing matter.

I didn’t sleep much that night as I wondered what was going on inside my body.

The next day, I went to work and didn’t say a word to anyone about the events from the previous day. I researched things online but everything increased my anxiety. I finally called my cousin, “JW” who is a midwife/Ob in Delaware. She heard my concern and finally someone understood the reason for my heightened awareness.

Just as I was about to call my OB to say, “I think my water really did break”, I received a call from my husband stating that my sister in law was taken from her OB’s office directly to the hospital for emergency c-section. He wanted to know if I could go & be with her since I was closest to the hospital. I tucked my issues away & ran to her aid.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, she was being prepped for surgery & no one else was there. I helped get her prepped & she was wheeled off to the OR. I was given scrubs to put on & told where to wait until they were ready for me. My heart raced and my hands were drenched with sweat. There I was with a 16 week belly walking into the OR to see my tiny niece & nephew enter the world early. I stood at the holding area, pacing the floor and praying that they would be okay.

In less than 10 minutes, both twins were delivered successfully. We heard very faint cries from both of them but they were alive. The nurses swaddled them and flashed them before our faces and rushed them to the NICU. That was the first & last time that I would see them in the hospital. The family was in the waiting room anxiously awaiting details of the twins births. I shared the details and them my MIL & her friend laughed about me peeing on myself the day before .

The next day (12/8) I went to see my OB and my worst feelings were confirmed. I had PROM ( premature rupture of membranes….water breaking) and was admitted to the hospital. The prognosis was GRIM and all we could hope for was a miracle.

Tonight’s celebration just brought back a lot of the feelings from 4 years ago. There I was again, with a baby in my stomach & hoping that everything is okay with Baby Israel Grayson. I'm also thinking...I should be having a party for my 4 year old. I should have never known the feeling and despair of loss. I celebrate and I grieve in the same moment.

Destiny will be 4 on 12/19 and I am torn. My c-section is scheduled for 12/16. That is really close. What if I am still in the hospital on 12/19???? How can I celebrate the joy of a 3 day old baby and long for a 4 year old at the same time.

I just feel some kind of way!!!!!

Monday, October 24, 2011

5 years down & a lifetime to go…

5 years down & a lifetime to go…

On Friday, October 21st. Chris and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe how much our lives have changed in what seems like such a short period of time. Although many things have changed, our love for each other has remained steadfast and unchanged.

We celebrated the entire weekend. Friday, I was welcomed to roses in our living room and another floral bouquet in our bathroom. The greatest gift to me was a beautiful card from my love. He always gives nice cards but this one included a lengthy love note…He certainly know how to melt my heart.

On Saturday, we spent a lovely evening together with dinner at a restaurant on the river….AND Ethan was with us! Now, I know that my husband is JUST as protective of Ethan as I am. We are getting to the point where we are VERY cautious about who we let watch Ethan for us…even our family members. However, the night was absolutely perfect and Ethan was a social butterfly. He makes friends everywhere that he goes! His little personality continues to blossom beautifully!

On the drive home, Chris and I held hands and shared some of the best & worst moments of our 5 year marriage. It was great to reflect upon the memories that have touched our hearts & lives the most.

We are imperfect people, with a perfect love for each other. I hope that everyone can experience the power of genuine, untainted Love.

Here is a link to the wedding slideshow. 5 years later…its still beautiful!
http://bigshow.bigfolio.com/?s=000003430&t=1dd88f24052973a7b72676f6374d9306

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Only 9 weeks and counting DOWN

I really can’t believe how extremely fast this pregnancy has gone. I feel great and in no way am I ready to evict Israel from his snug little home. I feel a bit cheated since I didn’t know that I was expecting for 3 months. SO, this seemed like a 6 month pregnancy for me. I protest….I want to be pregnant until MARCH!

I was just thinking the other day that September 27th marked the 2 year anniversary of my TAC. WHAT a difference the TAC has made in our lives. We are thankful to God and to Dr. Haney for our two TAC miracles!

The pregnancy is going great. I feel bigger than ever but in all actuality, I’ve gained less than 10 pounds. Our U/S on Thursday revealed a healthy 2lb 11oz handsome boy. My amniotic fluid was up to 30% which concerned my OB. He wanted to know if I had passed my glucose test and I did with flying colors. I’m not sure what or where the extra fluid is coming from but it concerned me enough to adopt the diabetic diet and really watch my carb/sweet intake. The more carbs/sweets the more urine Israel will produce, which will increase the fluid and make for a large baby. Since he will not travel thru the birth canal and have some of the fluid squeezed from his lungs, it could put him at risk for NICU. SO, I’m being careful. Has anyone else had excess fluid?

Here is Israel Grayson at 28 weeks 5days

Family Pics

Here are a few pictures of our growing family...As you can see, I was hiding. It was DH's idea for us to have pics also. I had only planned for Ethan to be photographed...anyway, I'm glad that we all took the pics. Ethan did great! He's such a happy baby & knew EXACTLY what to do for the camera.

Monday, August 29, 2011

1st Birthday Party for our Lil Prince!

We celebrated Ethan’s birthday over the weekend with family & friends. We had a GREAT time with perfect weather. Ethan enjoyed every minute of his party ( except for when I had to clean his nose) You can tell from the pictures that his little smash cake was his most enjoyable part of the day. Trust me; it took a while for all of the blue icing & blue boogers to come out of his nose. I was totally exhausted afterwards but the exhaustion was no comparison to the pride & excitement that I had for Ethan & his celebration.

Here are the pics: