I can vividly recall the details of significant dates in my life. For instance, I had a 7am hair appointment on Saturday, October 21, 2006. My phone rang at 6:58 am from my dear friend Tanya excitedly yelling, “Happy Wedding Day”. My response was,” what time is it????” I drank 1/2a bottle of wine the night before and that’s why the alarm clock & I didn’t see eye to eye.
I can remember the 1st day at my job, nearly 9 years ago. I remember the outfit that I wore and the trivial details that went along with it.
Although I have no problem recalling these details, I don’t think of them of the anniversary of their occurrence.
There are some events, however, that never leave my mind or heart. July is such a bittersweet month. This month is sweet because I get to celebrate the birthday of my husband; an absolutely wonderful friend, provider, and father. We also celebrate our 8th month of pregnancy which is accompanied by baby showers and gifts at our front door. What an emotional high! In the midst of all the jubilation & excitement, I am forced to face each new day and the memories that are intertwined with it.
July 2008 seems so long ago but yet it seems like yesterday. On Wednesday, July 16, 2008 our OB appt revealed that we were expecting Baby Girl #2. I was 16w 3days pregnant. We didn’t wait to share the news. By Saturday night, I had what I thought was a UTI, so I headed to the local CVS for some cranberry pills & hoped for relief. The pain eased off a little but we missed church on Sunday July 20th because DH had pulled a muscle in his leg. We both laid around all day. By afternoon, we needed to get out of the house so we headed to Babies R US ( BRU)and Burlington to look at nursery items for our daughter. As we walked around BRU I started to feel some vibrations in my stomach. I really didn’t know what it was but it was definitely a different feeling and so was shopping for a baby girl. I ignored the pain as long as I could and came home to prop my feet up & take another round of cranberry pills.
After multiple trips to the bathroom, I inspected the toilet paper only to find part of my mucous plug. My heart sank. I immediately got on line and searched for details and I called my cousin who is an OB in another state, My OB was on vacation and his coverage didn’t return my calls after a 45 minute wait. We decided to head to the hospital & I emailed my friend Crystal to ask for her prayers because I thought that I may be having contractions.
The 20 minute drive to the hospital was silent. Chris &I held hands and as much as I wanted to pray, I just couldn’t. I was scared!
I was checked and found to be contracting every 2-3 minutes and my bag of water was bulging thru my cervix. I was given meds to stop the contractions and placed in trendelenburg position for the night with hopes that gravity would be on my side & the bag of water would recede. The on call doc finally made his way to see me & apologized for not retuning my calls because he was in an emergency c-section.
Monday morning, ( July 21, 2008) a new OB is on call. He was very frank and told us that our ONLY hope to salvage the pregnancy was to attempt a cerclage. There was a 20% chance that it would work but doing nothing would certainly result in premature labor. We opted for the 2:00pm cerclage.
I went to the O.R. & got good pain meds so I can’t recall all of the details. I remember waking up & being wheeled back to my room. I was still a bit out of it but I remember the OB coming in to give us report about the procedure. I was not a part of the 20% success rate. My bag of water burst as soon as he touched it. Induction was looming.
By 5pm, my body had started to labor naturally. The nurse checked our daughter’s heartbeat every two hours. At 7pm we could still heart a strong, regular heartbeat. At 9pm I felt “ something”. I looked between my legs & I was bleeding. I called the nurse. She checked the heartbeat. The look on her face spoke volumes & the silence in the room seemed so loud. She searched for a heartbeat. I looked at her and said, “ I know, it’s time right?” Shortly before 11pm, Briauna Angel silently entered the world. Tiny. Perfect. Beautiful. Dead on arrival. Wanted. Loved. Already missed. Gone too soon.
Both Briauna & Madison were remembered and celebrated at the support group meeting tonight. We ate cake and sang happy birthday to our would-be 2 & 1 year old daughters. I felt so cheated & honored at the same time. I swallowed the tears as I ordered the cake from the bakery. The clerk asked for the theme for the cake. There was a long pause & sigh. After a few moments of stuttering, I was able to articulate that I wanted the cake to have butterflies and the text should read, “ We remember Briauna, Madison, & Uriah” .
Uriah ( parents attend support group) would have been born this month but he passed away in April. However, we celebrate any/all significant dates on this journey.
You would think that at 32 weeks pregnant that absolutely nothing could wipe the smile off of my face. I am happy & I am sad. Ethan in NO WAY replaces his 3 sisters.
Tonight, I’m thinking of my princess and wondering, “if only……”
….If only I could get off of this emotional rollercoaster!!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Pics
Here's some new &old picsBaby Moon...can u tell that we are happy?
Baby Moon location
Chris & my nephew working on the nursery
SOME of the shower gifts
Date night in May(~22 weeks)
Belly Pic (25 weeks)
Thinking of how our life will change forever!
Baby Moon Pic 30 weeks
Belly @13 weeks
Monday, July 12, 2010
What an amazing weekend!
From the day that I knew we were expecting, my mind immediately went fast forward to maternity photos, baby showers, nursery set up, etc. This dream started in August 2007 but did not manifest until this past Saturday.
Our families came together to host a baby shower for us & Ethan. The shower was nothing short of AMAZING! I am so thankful for the outpouring of love & support. I think my Mom was more excited about the shower than I was. She HAD to have linen & China, she is sooooo much a Queen! My sisters were also so excited!
There was a photographer there, so as soon as I get the pics, I will post them.
My cousin Jemine, has been a wonderful blessing to my life. She is a midwife in Delaware. She was adamant about traveling to make it to the shower. I picked her up from the airport on Friday night and we chatted & laughed until 2:30 Saturday morning.
Our day was busy but filled with lots of love & excitement.
The nursery is starting to shape up. The crib, dresser, glider & ottoman are up. The only thing left to assemble is the changing table. I’ll post pics of that soon also. I think I walked into the nursery numerous times yesterday just to open the dresser drawers to look at the baby clothes. Aww, it was such a beautiful site!
My dear friend, Sam informed me that I have not posted any pics of myself this pregnancy. I have been taking the pictures but I just haven’t been posting them. So, there will be quite a few pics to post really SOON!
On another note, we’re 31 weeks! I feel great. Last night, Chris asked , “ Babe, are you hot” I said, “No, why?”. He said, “ it looks like you are sweating on your nose”. I had to remind him that “my nose is constantly filled with grease, get used to it”. :0)
I will start seeing my regular OB every 2 weeks now and my last visit with my FAVORITE OB will be next Friday.
Our families came together to host a baby shower for us & Ethan. The shower was nothing short of AMAZING! I am so thankful for the outpouring of love & support. I think my Mom was more excited about the shower than I was. She HAD to have linen & China, she is sooooo much a Queen! My sisters were also so excited!
There was a photographer there, so as soon as I get the pics, I will post them.
My cousin Jemine, has been a wonderful blessing to my life. She is a midwife in Delaware. She was adamant about traveling to make it to the shower. I picked her up from the airport on Friday night and we chatted & laughed until 2:30 Saturday morning.
Our day was busy but filled with lots of love & excitement.
The nursery is starting to shape up. The crib, dresser, glider & ottoman are up. The only thing left to assemble is the changing table. I’ll post pics of that soon also. I think I walked into the nursery numerous times yesterday just to open the dresser drawers to look at the baby clothes. Aww, it was such a beautiful site!
My dear friend, Sam informed me that I have not posted any pics of myself this pregnancy. I have been taking the pictures but I just haven’t been posting them. So, there will be quite a few pics to post really SOON!
On another note, we’re 31 weeks! I feel great. Last night, Chris asked , “ Babe, are you hot” I said, “No, why?”. He said, “ it looks like you are sweating on your nose”. I had to remind him that “my nose is constantly filled with grease, get used to it”. :0)
I will start seeing my regular OB every 2 weeks now and my last visit with my FAVORITE OB will be next Friday.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Week Thirty: Baby puts on pounds
Week Thirty: Baby puts on pounds
You are 30 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 28 weeks)
•Baby measurements are 16 inches and weighs about 3 pounds.
•Length is 40cm and your baby's weight is 1.4 kilograms.
•The head is almost 3.5 inches (8cm) in diameter.
•The feet are nearly 2.5 inches (6cm) long.
•The wrinkled skin is becoming smoother now.
•In boys, the testicles have moved down to the groin.
•The baby controls its own body temperature.
For several months, the umbilical cord has been the baby's lifeline to the mother. Nourishment is transferred from the mothers blood, through the placenta, and into the umbilical cord to the fetus. Their bone marrow is now responsible for red cell production. These red blood cells will continue to service your child's body by transporting oxygen and removing the wastes. Your baby begins storing iron, calcium and phosphorus.
The fetus now weighs about 3 pounds (1.4kg). He or she will gain about half a pound a week until week 38. Baby is getting fatter and beginning to control its own body temperature. Baby continues to put on fat stores and the major weight gains will occur in the coming weeks. Eyebrows and eyelashes are fully developed, and hair on the head is getting thicker. Head and body are now proportioned like a newborn. Hands are now fully formed and fingernails are growing, eyelids are opening and closing.
You may be starting to experience some swelling of your ankles and legs. If you have not experience swelling yet, it is highly probable that you will, as approximately 40 to 75 percent of women experience mild swelling related to pregnancy.
Your uterus is now about 4 inches (10cm) above your bellybutton. It may feel like you are running out of room as your uterus grows up under your ribs. However, your fetus, placenta and uterus will continue to get larger, you still have 10 weeks to go. The average weight gain during pregnancy is 25 to 35 pounds (11.5 to 16kg). About half of this weight is concentrated in the growth of the uterus, the placenta, the baby and in the volume of amniotic fluid. At this point, you should be gaining about a pound (500 grams) a week.
You are 30 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 28 weeks)
•Baby measurements are 16 inches and weighs about 3 pounds.
•Length is 40cm and your baby's weight is 1.4 kilograms.
•The head is almost 3.5 inches (8cm) in diameter.
•The feet are nearly 2.5 inches (6cm) long.
•The wrinkled skin is becoming smoother now.
•In boys, the testicles have moved down to the groin.
•The baby controls its own body temperature.
For several months, the umbilical cord has been the baby's lifeline to the mother. Nourishment is transferred from the mothers blood, through the placenta, and into the umbilical cord to the fetus. Their bone marrow is now responsible for red cell production. These red blood cells will continue to service your child's body by transporting oxygen and removing the wastes. Your baby begins storing iron, calcium and phosphorus.
The fetus now weighs about 3 pounds (1.4kg). He or she will gain about half a pound a week until week 38. Baby is getting fatter and beginning to control its own body temperature. Baby continues to put on fat stores and the major weight gains will occur in the coming weeks. Eyebrows and eyelashes are fully developed, and hair on the head is getting thicker. Head and body are now proportioned like a newborn. Hands are now fully formed and fingernails are growing, eyelids are opening and closing.
You may be starting to experience some swelling of your ankles and legs. If you have not experience swelling yet, it is highly probable that you will, as approximately 40 to 75 percent of women experience mild swelling related to pregnancy.
Your uterus is now about 4 inches (10cm) above your bellybutton. It may feel like you are running out of room as your uterus grows up under your ribs. However, your fetus, placenta and uterus will continue to get larger, you still have 10 weeks to go. The average weight gain during pregnancy is 25 to 35 pounds (11.5 to 16kg). About half of this weight is concentrated in the growth of the uterus, the placenta, the baby and in the volume of amniotic fluid. At this point, you should be gaining about a pound (500 grams) a week.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Here's a little treat!
My Husband had to sing in a wedding last weekend. I went to the rehearsal on Friday night and couldn't help but to pull out my cell phone & record several videos of my husband singing. I had to sit behind him for the video because he would have probably taken the phone had he known that he was being recorded.
(I'm pretty sure he's gonna kill me for this) :0)
Each night, I place my cell phone on my stomach & play 2 of the videos again & again for Ethan. How wonderful for him to hear his Daddy let him know that he's beautiful, he's everything we've hoped for and everything we need~
Awww, its absolutely BEAUTFUL to me!
My only regret is that I don't have a video from Saturday. He absolutely NAILED it. He sang this song as the bride entered the church. Everyone was turned to face her and I was zoned all the way in on Chris as he serenaded Ethan & I. The bride had some difficulties getting into place, which meant that Chris had to keep singing!!! It was GREAT!
Enjoy! ( and if you know him & happen to see him out...you
KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THESE VIDEOS) shhh!
1st run thru of song
Part 2
Be careful what you say!
I need to have a little venting session. Continue reading if you’d like to join my sarcasim & I for a chat.
So, I’m leaving work today and Just as I pack all of my things up, a stranger walks into my office. “ YOU are the one that leaves handprints on the desk”. I laughed and realized that it was the cleaning lady that usually comes in after hours. I explained that I’m guilty…lotion & I have a thing going on. Thanks to this wonderful pregnancy, I make about 15 trips to the bathroom each day and the bathroom soap dries my hands out. I have to keep ‘em moisturized. ( as evidenced by the handprints on my desk)
We introduced ourselves and she asked me, “ How far along are you”?
“ 7 months” I replied.
“ You don’t look that big. Is this your 1st baby"?
( NOTE: don’t ask questions that you may not want to know the answers to)
“ No ma’am, he’s actually our 4th. I’ve lost 3 daughters but he will be the 1st that we bring home”.
“ Oh no, don’t tell me that” Ms. H says
“ Yes Ma’am, I have an incompetent cervix which causes me to go into premature labor. My girls were perfectly fine, just born to early to sustain life”
( in her deep, spiritual voice)
“ Well, you know sometimes we want something so bad but it is not God timing. And if its not God timing it just won’t happen. You know that was GOD’S WILL, it just wasn’t time for those girls to be born….but THIS onewill be just fine” She said that she had chills ( that means she was feeling the “ SPIRIT” ) and proceeded to do the hokey pokey and turn herself around in my office.
I HAD to stop her.
Respectfully, I had to let her know that
1. my husband & I are believers & he’s a minister of the Gospel. Our losses were not because we had a lack of faith or prayer.
2. I have in the past used terms like, “ it was God’s will” or “ it was on God’s timing” in an effort to encourage or “ make sense” out of tragedy or disappointment. However, living such a dreadfully horrific experience THREE times made me question EVERYTHING about GOD AND His will and certainly made me very skeptical about using those words EVER again.
I mean, I have known of God ALL my life and have been in relationship with Him since I was a pre-teen. So, how is it that someone who has known me all of 5 minutes effective in telling me that it was GODS WILL for my imperfect body to evict three perfect yet premature daughters on 3 separate occasions? How could she imply that I wanted the pregnancies so bad but it wasn’t God’s timing, so He “took” them???? (is God an Indian giver) Really?
I explained that my cervical issues were my issue. She asked ,” well, why is this one < Ethan> okay? I explained that I had a surgery to place a band around my cervix to prevent a repeat of my prior experiences. I believe some things really are medical, while others are spiritual. It frustrates me trying to figure out which is which.
3. Sometimes children of God suffer although we don’t fully understand the reason or intent. However, I assured Ms. H that our suffering via the losses of Destiny, Briauna, & Madison have been the greatest ministry tool ever. So, despite all the unknowns, God is still glorified. Mrs. H proceeded to do the hokey pokey and turn herself around in my office again & explained how Job suffered & how his wife wanted him to curse God.
SMH…I was just DONE. I simply needed someone to put a fork in me.
I thanked Ms. H for cleaning our offices and told her to have a good weekend.
She touched my stomach ( ??%*@^$@) and said ” this one is blessed” ( AS IF THE GIRLS WERE CURSED???) and , “ Nice meeting you DENISE”….LOL, no need to remind her that my name is Tanika. BLESS HER HEART!
I am not receptive to anyone who tries to rationalize, spiritualize, and/or explain our losses or the success of our current pregnancy. Hell, even I don’t know!!! But I am okay with NOT knowing the WHY’s and understanding that it is all working out for my good and for HIS glory.
People please, be careful what you say!
So, I’m leaving work today and Just as I pack all of my things up, a stranger walks into my office. “ YOU are the one that leaves handprints on the desk”. I laughed and realized that it was the cleaning lady that usually comes in after hours. I explained that I’m guilty…lotion & I have a thing going on. Thanks to this wonderful pregnancy, I make about 15 trips to the bathroom each day and the bathroom soap dries my hands out. I have to keep ‘em moisturized. ( as evidenced by the handprints on my desk)
We introduced ourselves and she asked me, “ How far along are you”?
“ 7 months” I replied.
“ You don’t look that big. Is this your 1st baby"?
( NOTE: don’t ask questions that you may not want to know the answers to)
“ No ma’am, he’s actually our 4th. I’ve lost 3 daughters but he will be the 1st that we bring home”.
“ Oh no, don’t tell me that” Ms. H says
“ Yes Ma’am, I have an incompetent cervix which causes me to go into premature labor. My girls were perfectly fine, just born to early to sustain life”
( in her deep, spiritual voice)
“ Well, you know sometimes we want something so bad but it is not God timing. And if its not God timing it just won’t happen. You know that was GOD’S WILL, it just wasn’t time for those girls to be born….but THIS one
I HAD to stop her.
Respectfully, I had to let her know that
1. my husband & I are believers & he’s a minister of the Gospel. Our losses were not because we had a lack of faith or prayer.
2. I have in the past used terms like, “ it was God’s will” or “ it was on God’s timing” in an effort to encourage or “ make sense” out of tragedy or disappointment. However, living such a dreadfully horrific experience THREE times made me question EVERYTHING about GOD AND His will and certainly made me very skeptical about using those words EVER again.
I mean, I have known of God ALL my life and have been in relationship with Him since I was a pre-teen. So, how is it that someone who has known me all of 5 minutes effective in telling me that it was GODS WILL for my imperfect body to evict three perfect yet premature daughters on 3 separate occasions? How could she imply that I wanted the pregnancies so bad but it wasn’t God’s timing, so He “took” them???? (is God an Indian giver) Really?
I explained that my cervical issues were my issue. She asked ,” well, why is this one < Ethan> okay? I explained that I had a surgery to place a band around my cervix to prevent a repeat of my prior experiences. I believe some things really are medical, while others are spiritual. It frustrates me trying to figure out which is which.
3. Sometimes children of God suffer although we don’t fully understand the reason or intent. However, I assured Ms. H that our suffering via the losses of Destiny, Briauna, & Madison have been the greatest ministry tool ever. So, despite all the unknowns, God is still glorified. Mrs. H proceeded to do the hokey pokey and turn herself around in my office again & explained how Job suffered & how his wife wanted him to curse God.
SMH…I was just DONE. I simply needed someone to put a fork in me.
I thanked Ms. H for cleaning our offices and told her to have a good weekend.
She touched my stomach ( ??%*@^$@) and said ” this one is blessed” ( AS IF THE GIRLS WERE CURSED???) and , “ Nice meeting you DENISE”….LOL, no need to remind her that my name is Tanika. BLESS HER HEART!
I am not receptive to anyone who tries to rationalize, spiritualize, and/or explain our losses or the success of our current pregnancy. Hell, even I don’t know!!! But I am okay with NOT knowing the WHY’s and understanding that it is all working out for my good and for HIS glory.
People please, be careful what you say!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Question
anyone know how to upload a video? I have something that I wanna share!
I've uploaded youtube videos before but this one is not from youtube & I can't seem to post.
Any suggestions!
A blogger in distress :0)
I've uploaded youtube videos before but this one is not from youtube & I can't seem to post.
Any suggestions!
A blogger in distress :0)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
